All Alone and Left Out

(this was the catalyst for the last post)

I'm the "let's all keep in touch" one. I email. I reach out. I call. In 2001 I received a bonus in the form of being able to use the company time share. I thought carribean first. But, knowing my Nana would probably not live much longer, I arranged to travel to NH. I invited my sister and her family to meet us up there. We had a family reunion, of sorts, and celebrated Nana's birthday. Husband & I stayed a bit longer, and visited more with family. That was really the last contact until Nana died.

When Nana died, all the calls went to Sister. Sister is not one to mince words and she'll call a spade a spade. So she talked harshly about Dad and his behavior at the funeral. I was more "smooth it over" and "don't ruffle feathers." I could tell my aunt didn't really want to hear all the bad stuff. While she didn't support dad's actions, he was her brother. Still, it was Sister that dad focused on and cursed out in his nasty message. It was sister that everyone consoled.

I've gotten a few emails over the years from that side of the family. A few cards. IF I initiate. That is it

No one called me about Dad's death. I left my aunt a message. My Dad's family never called me back to tell me about his death. They called my Sister. My one uncle called is all -- to tell us not to come to the funeral. I've emailed several family members but no responses. My sister has gotten lots of responses - she forwards them to me. My Sister met up with two aunts when they drove down for the funeral - understandable, she is local and I am not.

My step-brothers, Alex and Adam have not emailed me. I've emailed them. No response. They've called Sister. When we met, they were more interested in keeping up with her. Sort of understood - they knew her more. I emailed them after we returned and invited them to meet up with us for Tgiv. No response.

My Sister has gotten several phone calls from the aunts and uncles. Emails too. She tells me about them. My uncle who called her asked, "now do I need to call Enola or will you talk to her?" Sister said she thought I'd like to hear from him. He did call - a week later.

My aunts email my Sister. On emails I'm not even copied. I wrote a long email to my uncle and attached pictures -- no response. And I thought we had a good relationship. He is the one I stayed with the summer I lived there. And visited several times when we were up there in 2001. He's emailed Sister though.

So Sister, Alex, Adam and I were chatting about going up to NH. I mentioned I probably couldn't go until next summer. Sister just called me. I invited her down here for a few weeks in August. That way she and the kids can get away. Sister doesn't work in the summer. Kids are off. BIL's room rental is just through July 31st -- then he has to make alternate arrangements. So Sister thought she would take the kids somewhere, let BIL stay in the house, and then he'd move to the house in the city (available then). I asked if she wanted to come here.

Sister just called - she is going to NH. For 2 weeks - over 3 weekends. She asked if I could fly up. (no) She asked if I would be mad or upset if she went. An aunt called her to chat and Sister made arrangements. Aunt asked if she should call me. Sister said I might appreciate it. No call though.

I am not really mad at Sister. I'm upset and hurt that this big reunion is going to go on without me. I'm missing out.

I don't get it. I know Sister is funny and sarcastic and blunt. I like her. So I understand why they'd want to stay in touch with her. But why not me? What did I do? Why do they ask - oh do we have to call Enola? Is it a chore?

I know a large part of it -- I was distributed to Mom's side in the divorce. Sister was sent to Dad's side. But then I spent the summer up there. I returned to Mom's house though. So maybe they saw that as choosing to go back to Mom. My dad was hurt that I "picked Toilet over him." He saw it as personal. My Sister chose to go live with Dad and then was kicked out. Then Dad reunited with Sister, calling her every day and visiting every weekend. I got to see him 1x and talk maybe once a week. So Dad's side sees Sister as "theirs" and me as choosing mom over dad.

Also, Sister has been open about her struggles and I have not, as much. I just can't. I know they will say, "well why didn't you come live here?" Or "Why didn't you go live with Dad?" Putting me, once again, in the defensive position.

So once again my inability to talk bites me in the ass. Once again I am not the chosen one. Once again every one else is chosen over me. Even though it is my sister chosen this time, and I love her, it still hurts. I'm the crazy one. The one that didn't press charges. The one that stayed - that didn't leave. The one that "chose" toilet over Dad. The one that had Toilet (not Dad) walk me down the aisle. And sure I could defend myself - but at what cost? And why should I have too?

So, flights are too expensive and no vacation time. Do I borrow to go? Stay home. Insert myself? Not? I hate this. Once again I am --

And left wondering what the hell s wrong with me that no one wants ME?

Back to Zero - screaming without words

From 1 year, 9 months, 29 days of this


to



zero................


(I'd be lying if I said I regretted it - not right now anyway. Right now I'm remember why I started. Because it works. I feel good right now. No more panic. And I know I will sleep well)

Blog Carnival - get your submissions in.

(shamelessly cutting and pasting from Marj's blog)

Freedom to Heal!
The theme for the July Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is "Freedom to Heal." I'm excited to announce that Mile 191 at Come Into My Closet will be hosting this Friday, July 17. About this carnival edition, Mile 191 says, "I have come to realize that healing is a choice. We have the freedom to move into a better future and to not give even one more moment of our lives to our abusers. We are free from them and have power over our past as we realize that healing is freedom....possible, available....healing is worth fighting for." Wow, Mile 191, I couldn't have said it better myself. Now I just know you are going to be a GREAT host! Hurry, folks! The deadline for Friday's carnival is Wednesday, July 15. You can use the Blog Carnival submission form here.

WARNING - enraged Big Sister ahead

My Sister and her husband have had problems. She can be quite demanding and rigid in her ways. He is very immature and childish. Sister spent many years in therapy for her own issues and they have gone through marriage counseling too. I have seen huge changes (for the better) in her. My husband has observed those changes too.

Despite my sister's maturing ways, BIL hasn't changed much. Just before he left for Iraq, there was a huge incident (I wrote about here). Later, I updated some in this prior blog post.

My Sister decided to use the break while BIL was overseas to re-evaluate herself. She decided to give it one more chance, to give her best and see what happened. BIL came back, was wishy-washy about re-enlisting, ended up re-enlisting, got a job promotion and just finished his 2 year degree. Sister started working at a job with handicapped/developmentally-disabled adults, that has the same schedule as the school so she can be home with the kids when they are off. BIL has some minimal contact with his bio dad, but none really with his mom/steo-dad. Things seemed to be going okay.

Until a few months ago.

Sister has some health issues - namely something called gastroparesis which is an inability of her body to process food effectively. So she is on a liquid diet. It's probably stress related. She finally got back on an anti-depressant and was prescribed ambien as well. It seemed that her health was getting better.

Sister called me awhile back, very upset. Between her difficulty talking about it, my being triggered by some of what she was saying, her being upset - it took awhile to get all the details and there are some that I know I've missed, blocked or haven't absorbed. The long and short of it is that Sister told me that BIL raped her and that she woke up, from an ambien-assisted sleep, to find him "having sex with her." It wasn't the first time she woke up to find him making advances. But it had gone much further than ever before. She also told me about incidences where she was startled awake during a long car ride to find him groping her. Major trigger because of the similarities to Toilet's actions. BIL also would come up and grind against her - major trigger there too. BIL blames it on the fact that his step-dad was very touchy-feely/grabby, and so he didn't know any better.

After the last incident, Sister kicked him out of the bedroom and forced him to sleep on the couch downstairs. She can't take the medication any more for fear of what she will sleep through. She also demanded he seek counseling. He did. The counselor said that BIL had many issues - ADHD, depression, PTSD from the two Iraq deployments, and childhood abuse issues.

Sister was giving it time. When they've visited, BIL has still been on the couch. But the fighting was continuing. BIL has a tendency to lie. About everything and anything. Lies to suit whoever he is talking too. Mostly trivial stuff too. He'll tell Sister he needed money for gas; then she'll find out that the gas station debit was for fast food - not gas. He'll forget to do something as promised and then lie and make up an excuse. He always has excuses too. He promised the kids and my sister that he would not re-enlist in the Guard. Then he found out about this significant signing bonus so he did re-enlist and tried to smooth things over by using part of the money to go to Disney.

Sister laid down some ultimatums. BIL didn't follow through. Didn't complete what he needed for school reimbursement. Didn't return the numerous phone calls to the church pastors and leaders. Didn't follow through on regular counseling appointments. Kept insisting Sister let him back into the bedroom. Didn't understand why she was "carrying a grudge."

BIL continues to minimize things, and describe the incident as "groping." He tried to tell Sister that his counselor told him Sister should have moved forward by now. Sister talked to the counselor (with BIL's permission) and that is not true. Counselor told BIL and Sister that this would take years. Also that BIL has to work on getting help with his issues for himself - not just to get back into the bedroom.

BIL attended church with us while we were up visiting. He was upset because all the men in the church were saying, "he we need to get together." He thinks Sister is talking about him. In reality, Sister is trying to get some of the men to reach out to BIL in hopes he will find some good friends to mentor him and hang out with. He also talked with my husband. He continues to minimize things and say Sister is blowing things out of proportion.

The straw that broke the camels back was one of the pastors telling my Sister that she needed to cut him some slack. Sister explained a bit about what was going on and the pastor back-tracked and had his wife speak with Sister. The wife told Sister that BIL needed to move out for awhile. She had another couple in the church contact Sister/BIL. The other couple separated 1 year ago. They are working on their marriage and the husband was very honest with BIL about what needed to happen if BIL wanted the separation to be temporary.

BIL continues to deny the extent of the issues. He is so focused now on figuring out what he will do on his own. He moved out this morning. He has never lived on his own or managed his own money. I do not know how he will cope. He can't make decisions on his own. He needs to learn how. He is on the self-pity stage.

He also minimizes his fault and blames things on Sister being too "sensitive" because of her "childhood issues." I don't know exactly what happened with the "incident." I think Sister told me but I was dissociative during the details so I can't say for sure. Not sure if it was forced sexual intercourse or "just" (insert sarcasm here) touching without consent. My husband (male that he is) sees a difference. I do not. Apparently BIL does too.

Sister feels guilty. She hates that the kids are upset. She is torn between being honest with the kids and telling them too many details. It's just crappy. I don't want to see marriages fall apart, but I do want to kill BIL.

I'm trying to encourage her to get some counseling for herself. But she says she feels "counseled out" and that she has compromised all she is willing to do. So we'll see how it goes.

In any event this has thrown me for a loop. I keep telling myself to, "suck it up buttercup" and that it "doesn't affect me." But it does. Stepping on some major toes. Not exactly sure why or how, but I just know it is. Guess I'll add it to the "List of things I need to Muster Up Energy to Process and Deal with." That list is getting much longer these days.

Information Overload - family secrets

On one of the days I was on vacation, we all drove over to meet with my step-siblings. Back when my dad re-married, he "inherited" four children. At the time they were aged 3, 10, 13 and 14 (I think). Later he adopted them and their last names were changed. The oldest and the second youngest informed my aunts/uncles that they wanted contact with Sister and I. So we emailed and then met up with them.



Alex is now almost 30. He is a very handsome, tall young man. He is married and has been for 4 years. Adam is 26. He is also tall and handsome. He is married and has been for about 2 years. He's an angry young man.



I can't say that I've made sense of all I learned. It's still meandering around my brain in random order and mayhem. But maybe if I can get it down here in any format, I can make some sense of things. At the very least, I'll have preserved memories before the escape again. So in a somewhat chronological (by time) order, I learned -

• The three oldest kids have the same father. (contrary to what we'd been told). Rita was married and had 3 kids. Then divorced (he didn't die like we'd been told). Then married again. That guy committed suicide (didn't have cancer like we'd been told). He had huge gambling debts and had bookies after him. The youngest is his child. Two weeks after his death, she met my father. They were engaged very soon thereafter.


• Rita has many siblings, but no contact with any except one. That one is dead now. She did reunite with her mother just before her mother's death.


• Rita is hyper-sexual. She has since had a boob job and is now a size DD. She doesn't eat so she is super skinny. I don't know how her tiny frame holds up her chest. We saw pictures dating back years. She has always maintained the bleach blond hair (usually with bad brown roots) and bright red lipstick.


• Her nickname is shotsie - based on what she does with shot glasses when dancing and/or tending bar. 'Nough said.


• Even throughout the marriage with dad, she would go on "benders" and go back to bartending.


• Dad enjoyed showing her off. He enjoyed the attention her looks attracted. But if anyone made a move, he got mad. Rita liked to reciprocate and flirt back. There were lots of fights over this.


• Rita and Dad thought normal kids' playing was being too rowdy. All the kids were evaluated for ADD/ADHD at some time and medicine was often forced.


• Adam was hospitalized in a mental ward for 1 week as a young teen. There was nothing wrong with him other than being a normal teenager.


• The daughter was likely "pimped out" to her mother's boyfriends. She shows many of the mentally ill signs that her mother displays. I wonder how much is mental illness and how much is abuse-aftermath.


• Rita is definitely bipolar. Likely suffers from multiple personalities/DID. Likes to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, horse tranquilizers, her kids' ritalin and other medications. Her kids say she displays a different personality every minute. I felt a slight tinge of sympathy for her. But she knows she needs her medication and chooses not to take it.


• Rita does not believe in feeding the kids. The boys talked about not having food. There was a lock on all cabinets and the fridge. Dad and Rita usually ate out. They would often bring leftovers for the daughter but nothing for the boys. Adam eats and eats now. Luckily he has a high metabolism. his wife said their house is like a food warehouse. Adam must have a fully stocked cupboard.
• The kids recall a time when Sister first moved there and had the "nerve" to request seconds of food. Rita was in her "impress the new kids" mode and gave it to her. All the other kids immediately requested seconds too. Another time soon thereafter, Sister did her usual chores and requested her $10 a week allowance from Dad. The other kids held out their hands too. All of them immediately walked to the neighborhood deli store and bought food to hoard in their room.


• The two oldest boys were taught a "work ethic." They worked like slaves on the farm. They topped trees, drove fence posts, etc. There was no time for school work - just slave labor work.


• Dad often "got into fights" with the boys. Alex described it as fist fighting. Adam described it as a beating, which his mother watched and cheered Dad on, saying "go get them."


• The daughter was a spoiled princess - when she wasn't being "pimped out."


• The youngest was spoiled. He was the son Dad never had. He was 3 when Dad and Rita married. He was never taught a work ethic and given everything. He has no marketable skills and is floundering now.


• Alex was kicked out two days after turning 18. When he protested, his mother called the cops and he was taken away in a police car. The cops told Alex there was nothing they could do.


• The daughter was kicked out at 18 too. She's married but getting a divorce.


• Rita's sister and husband died in a murder/suicide. Their three kids moved in with Dad/Rita. The one son disappeared. The kids' think he went into a psych ward or juvenile detention. The daughter was placed in charge of feeding the horses on the back acreage. She didn't feed them and many starved to death. My dad was supposedly kicked out in 2002 (during their split) for hitting the girl in response to discovering the malnourished horses. When Dad came back, the two kids were placed into foster care.


• Dad and Rita took a "break" in 2002. This is when Dad briefly reconciled with Sister and I. Seven days later, Rita started dating her divorce attorney. She announced he was moving in. Adam put his foot down and said "no" to his mother. He was kicked out of the house at age 14. He lived with friends for a few years.


• Dad kept in touch with the boys after they were kicked out. But he always maintained loyalty to Rita.


• We saw pictures. Pictures of Dad at the daughter's wedding. Pictures of Dad with the youngest. We brought pictures with us, of Dad growing up and with us as kids. Both boys remarked, "wow he was happy then. Look how happy he looks."

We learned the true story of Dad's death. He was at the house preparing for the upcoming funeral of Rita's mother. They would have to drive a few hours for the service which was set the next week. (what is it with my family and waiting awhile before burials?). He took the car in to have new tires put on. He started weaving and hit a tree. The crash is not what killed him. He apparently had a stroke while driving. Alex got a call from a state trooper saying there was an accident but it wasn't bad. Alex called his mother and she said it wasn't bad and to just stay at work. After work, Alex called and his mom said, "don't go to the hospital." Alex went anyway. Then went to his mother's house. He said Dad was on tubes and they learned that the brain stem had severed - so he was brain dead. Alex wanted his mom to turn off the machines. They argued but set a date to turn off everything the next day or two. Dad died before then on his own. I find it interesting that Rita wasn't there in the hospital with Dad.

Rita is somewhat disabled - suffering the injury of the month. She gets these parasites, injuries, whatever, very frequently. She has many explanations, none of which match up or make sense. The kids think she is living off the insurance proceeds. They are not sure about a will or any other information. She is being helped by a friend of my dad. Husband #5 maybe? Or is it 6?

None of the kids knew what happened to Sister and I. Just that we left. They were not allowed to ask about us.

Alex was the oldest of his "crew." He is most like me - the pacifier. Make peace with everyone. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt. He sees his mom when necessary and thinks he can "handle her." He does all this to keep the peace with the family. He has some of the same denial tendencies I do. He finds security in his "stuff" and his house. He has a ton of "toys" but doesn't use them often.

Adam is the angry one. Most like my sister. Very direct and says it like it is. Sees the ugly and isn't afraid to talk about it. Doesn't gloss over things. He takes security in order and control. He does not want children at all - afraid to be a parent.

Both are married to extremely nice women. Alex's wife comes from normal family. Adam's wife comes from a dysfunctional family.

We met Alex and his wife at the graveyard. Then drove back to his house. It is impressive. Huge and very nice. He lives at the end of the dead end street where Rita still lives. That was a bit nerve-wracking, being that close.

One interesting fact I learned is that I may have yet another sibling. My dad was married before my mom. I knew that. They divorced. What I didn't know is that the wife was pregnant at the time of divorce. Dad wanted to stay together for the child. The Wife said she had an abortion but it is widely believed that she did not. So I may have an older sibling out there somewhere.

It was old talking with the boys. I remember Dad as this controlling tyrant. They remember him as the meek one, overruled by their mother. They enjoyed the one-on-one time with Dad. Like Sister and I, they found him very different when alone, than when he was with others.

I don't know what to do with all this info. My sister is jumping head on into a relationship with the boys. I'm more hesitant. The boys want to go to the lake with us and want to go this year. Well, Alex does. He craves that family bond. Adam is more hesitant. They loved the aunts and uncles. I delayed the trip till next summer. I want to see how this plays out for awhile. But we did invite them to my sister's for thanksgiving. I think a family meal and holiday might be something we all need.

The House of Horrors Revisited

This is where I grew up from the summer before 7th grade until I fled to college.




On the trip to my sister's for the 4th we took a road trip. We drove down to see my step-brother. I will try to tell this coherently but it's still a whirling mess in my brain.

On the drive down, we drove by my old stomping grounds. I was appalled at the distances my mom had let me walk - alone - at night. This is the house where most of the evil took place.

It has changed. The cedar wood siding was replaced with vinyl. The windows have been updated. The door was replaced. The window by my bedroom is the same. You can see where the station wagon used to park - oil stains still.



I shivered as we drove by, but also realized it was just a house.

We drove on to my father's grave. My step-brother told us that there had been problems with the ground sinking in the rain. Until that was fixed, no gravestone could be erected. He told us it was the fresh grave in the back. Sister and I walked toward the back of the graveyard and saw a new gravesite with flowers and a heart-shaped, red, white & blue hanging basket. We talked about the fact that it meant Rita must have been there for the 4th of July already. We walked around to see pictures and the marker....it wasn't him. It was someone else. We looked further and there it was.




No flowers. No pictures. The marker is a cut-out from the funeral home webpage. It is on a funeral home marker. The funeral home must have put it there.



Father's Day was just a few weeks ago. Graves of other fathers are covered in flowers and momentos. His grave - nothing.

Sister and I felt a bit bad about not brining flowers. So we picked a few from the church gardens. My nephew and daughter stuck them in the grave dirt in rows. We met my step-brother and his wife there. Alex didn't even look at the grave much. One of the kids stepped in the dirt and Sister and I moved to grab them. Alex said, "ah don't worry about it." He didn't have much attachment to the site.


Sister and I thought about leaving a picture of us on the site as a message to Rita that we had been there. We decided not to though - because we didn't have one of the two of us with us.

Sister and I reminisced about what her husband had told Dad in their last phone conversation back in 2002. BIL told Dad, "you are going to die a cold, lonely man. When you are dead and in the grave, there will be no one to mourn you. You will die alone." And he did.

Off on a Trip & Update

We are leaving in a few hours to visit my sister. It will be fun. Lots of laughs, junk food and playing with the kids.

While there we will have a private small memorial service for my father. Two of his adopted children will meet us at the gravesite. We will then go to one's house to hang out a bit and catch up. Should be interesting. I've not seen them in almost 17 years. In emails thy have alluded to their mother being "crazy" and "off her meds" and "psycho." According to one of the boys, Rita (dad's wife) does not know we are coming or even that we have spoken to them. We plan to keep it that way.

I had my annual physical last week. All seems well but the zoloft makes me ravenously hungry. The anxiety is also getting pretty intense. I've had some major panic attacks recently. I spoke to the doctor and she switched my meds to lexapro. The switch is going okay. I get dizzy but not sure if that is due to panic attacks or the med switch. I'm hoping this will help with my depression too - it's definitely not at a level that is good and seems to be worsening.

Baby also had his 9 month check. The doctor had some concerns about his gross motor skills. He doesn't roll back to front. He doesn't sit up on his own, although if I sit him up, he can stay sitting up. He doesn't bear weight on his legs. Doesn't pull up. Doesn't crawl. Doesn't push up on his arms if he is on his tummy. We're doing some exercises with him. I just learned a church friend specializes in this area so I have an email in to her to see if she'll just take a look at him. This has hit me with quiet resignation. Chalk it up under "I deserve anything bad that happens like this" thoughts.

Work is crazy. Husband's work laid off several but so far he seems safe. My job just announced furlough days. We will have two linked with holidays - an extra day without pay. We'll also have two other days to take as we want (without pay). It could be far worse.

So that's all that's new. I'm off to catch a few hours before we hit the road. Driving at night works well with the kids. Have a wonderful 4th of July.

Watch Out !

If you see a truck like this come barreling down the road toward you, I'd advise you jump off the sidewalk quickly.

My husband is taking my car to the repair shop to have the oil changed before our big road trip this week. He's also having them look at my brakes which are vibrating funny. Fingers crossed it isn't anything serious since there is no money to pay for it.

In the meantime, I'm driving his truck. Today is a court day which means I'm wearing a skirt suit and heels. Sure is interesting trying to climb in and out of this truck without flashing the world.

I want to know why I get the oddest looks. Hasn't anyone ever seen a chick drive a truck before? I pull up to the drive through to get coffee and people stare. I pull up to the stoplight and they stare harder. Of course the stoplight part could be due to the fact that they didn't think I was going to stop. This truck has a lot more "get up and go" than my car. I looked down and was doing 85 on the interestate. Oops. It felt like I was only doing 60. It also takes a lot longer and more pressure to stop this big thing. Which leaves me slamming on the brakes and yelling "stop" quite often.

I never thought I could drive a truck. Not after my childhood experiences in a truck. But I've re-claimed the power here. This truck is bigger, faster, heavier and has a big huge middle seat cupholder divider. That's my "cone of safety." So while I hate having to manhandle this vehicle (mostly because it prevents me from sipping my starbucks except at stoplights), there is something to be said for the power I feel driving it.

Beep Beep! Away I go. Watch out!