Wednesday, January 31, 2007

1-31-07 IM Fears

In some ways, I wonder if doing the IM thing is giving an illusion of really sharing your heart--- just enough to keep you from moving ahead verbally---in person---face to face.

That is what J wrote to me last night when we were talking on IM. I was worried about losing the IM and/or email privileges. And I do consider it a privilege - a life line really. It's the only place I am remotely free to be open. Mostly on email because I can type it out and hit send without thinking about it. With IM it's there in front of me, on the screen, available for instant response -- less safe.

J says we may end up sitting in silence in her office. Now that thought was enough to prompt a panic attack. I know I'll end up rambling about something mundane. Or crying maybe - hmm wonder if I can do that in front of someone?

I was also angry and frustrated. I felt like I kept repeating myself. It's not at all that I don't want to work through this - it's that I can't --- CAN NOT; UNABLE; DOES NOT WORK. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Extreme panic and shut down. Not too long ago I didn't want to work through this. Didn't want to talk about it. Now I do and I don't know how. I'm not sure how sitting in silence will help. Feels more like punishment. But hell, nothing else is working. Guess I can try it. Feel somewhat like I don't have a choice.


I got in the car this morning and the CD was playing Sanctus Real's "I'm Not Alright."
If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then "cool" is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune -- I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move...closer to you
I'm not alright...that's why I need you

I am not alright. But I'm not ready to ask to be brought to my knees - although I think I am already there. And I'm not at the point where I can do anything more than intellectually say I need God - not at the point where I FEEL it.

Jars of Clay writes Dead Man (Carry Me) -

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But it's better than a party full of people I don't really know
Well, they've got hearts to break and burn, dirty hands to feel the earth
There's something in my veins but I can't seem to make it work
Won't work So carry me
I'm just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can't find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I wanna be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan
Can you find a beat? Inside of me?
Any pulse, getting worse Any pulse, getting worse
Inside of me In front of me

I can absolutley relate to that song. I do not feel alive. I feel dead inside. Not able to make it work. Unable to breathe. I want to be a new person - tired of the old one but I can't find a beat inside of me and it is just getting worse.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Silent Scream

When did this chord get broken –
The connection between my brain and vocal chords?
The synapse seems too great to jump over
And too important not to try.
I open my mouth and like Munch’s ‘Scream’ painting
nothing comes out - except a strangled cry or scream,
silent and internal.
Never vocalized or released.
yearning to, dying to, wanting to come out.
To be set free and fly.
But like a caged bird with clipped wings,
it only struggles feebly and then gives up –
To die a silent death inside.

(written by me)

Update after Counseling - prequel to Mom's visit

Had counseling this evening. Mom comes tomorrow - first visit since July. Funny, I hadn't thought or planned much for her coming until last night. Yesterday I realized that I hadn't yet planned out every conversation I thought we might have. It kind of snuck up on me last night when I realized I needed to get the house in order for her coming. And I haven't at all run around perfecting every detail - there aren't towels folded neatly on her bed yet.
I'm trying not to get my hopes up about her visit, while at the same time not dreading it or thinking the worst will happen. I'm trying to strengthen myself to be real, to stay in the moment, and not to dissociate. I think that is probably my main goal. To be real - whatever that looks like.
When I did start thinking of her visit, all I could do was cry. So unlike me. I'm not really sure why I'm crying though. I tend to do that a lot lately - again a new thing for me. I'm just sad. Kind of a sneak-up-on-you, overwhelming, not-sure-why, need to cry, type of sad. Seems to be happening more and more lately. I'm also kind of numb about mom's visit - afraid that if I let myself feel too much, that it will be too much/hard to handle.
Counseling with J was fine. Kind of low key. She keeps asking what I want to focus on. I DO NOT KNOW. Oh how I hate that question. First, I don't know. Second, I sure can't tell you. Part of me wonders if I didn't email her, could I bring it up? Or if I wrote it down, but didn't send it - just brought it with me? I think my emails to her are my way of saying - hey, let's talk about this. But I can't initiate the subject.
I hate that part of me. If I could cut out one part and throw it away, it would be the inability to verbalize things. It makes me feel weak, less than human, stupid, idiotic, crazy, want to just scream. It's like that painting of the "scream" - that's me. Mouth open, fear in eyes, crazy looking, but no sound comes out.
I had this grand notion that I would talk to DH about all this when I came home. That he would see me crying. That I would allow him to see me cry. I rehearsed what I would say - daydreamed about him just holding me. Why can't I just ask him for that? Again, that verbalization thing. I want him to just do it. To just ask how I'm feeling about Mom's visit - I mean doesn't he -- shouldn't he -- figure out this is hard for me. But he asks such open ended questions, like "What's new?" "How was counseling?" instead of specific "are you worried about your mom coming up?" I know this is MY issue and I need to be the one to open up, but I don't know how. It's like I'm locked into paper and it is my only avenue of escape. I think one of my worst night mares would be to end up stranded on some island with no way to write down my feelings - or to lose use of my arms or all ability to write/type, etc. I think I would just implode.

1-30-2007 Getting Started

I'm not sure where this will lead or where it will go. But I need to get things out - on paper. Out of me. And sort them out. To figure out who I am and what I'm doing. To keep from going crazy. Right now this is just for me. We will see where it all leads later.