Wednesday, January 31, 2007

1-31-07 IM Fears

In some ways, I wonder if doing the IM thing is giving an illusion of really sharing your heart--- just enough to keep you from moving ahead verbally---in person---face to face.

That is what J wrote to me last night when we were talking on IM. I was worried about losing the IM and/or email privileges. And I do consider it a privilege - a life line really. It's the only place I am remotely free to be open. Mostly on email because I can type it out and hit send without thinking about it. With IM it's there in front of me, on the screen, available for instant response -- less safe.

J says we may end up sitting in silence in her office. Now that thought was enough to prompt a panic attack. I know I'll end up rambling about something mundane. Or crying maybe - hmm wonder if I can do that in front of someone?

I was also angry and frustrated. I felt like I kept repeating myself. It's not at all that I don't want to work through this - it's that I can't --- CAN NOT; UNABLE; DOES NOT WORK. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. Extreme panic and shut down. Not too long ago I didn't want to work through this. Didn't want to talk about it. Now I do and I don't know how. I'm not sure how sitting in silence will help. Feels more like punishment. But hell, nothing else is working. Guess I can try it. Feel somewhat like I don't have a choice.

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