I know today is going to only get worse. And it is already bad. Today I find out the ruling on my case - the longest case I ever tried; the one involving a rape allegation. I am so concerned about the outcome. I forced myself to eat something and took a xanax. Hoping that takes the edge off. It's been 20 minutes ago though and while I've started yawning, the tingly feeling in my fingers, jitteriness and panic isn't ending.
I have a 10:30 meeting after the verdict announcement and I'm hoping and praying for time to go somewhere for a few moments by myself between the two.
Found a SA survivors board too. Not sure if this is going to be helpful or too much. I also need to be careful not to spend all day playing on the computer and not working. Should have checked out the SI board before pinning this morning and tried some of their tips, but wasn't really ready and didn't have the time. Seems to be a pattern lately - panic, take xanax, doesn't kick in as fast, get more panicky wondering if it is going to work, so go pin to get some relief until the meds kick in.
Back from court. Judge left things "as is" pending the rape trial. Client is distraught. Her father is pissed. All understandable. I'm very upset too. Think I'll leave for my mediation and go somewhere - maybe a WARM park.
I left to try to go have a few moments alone (WARM) and got a call that if I wanted my emergency case heard I had to get back to the office for a phone conference with the judge. Did that and judge left kids with mom (not my client) who has a cocaine habit and refuses to get a drug test. She says my client has a drug/alcohol problem so I made him go take a test yesterday - came back clean today. So kids are with mom until Tuesday. Saving grace is that they are old enough to call police if the end up in an unsafe situation - not that they will do it, but at least they are capable of it.
At that time it was time for lunch. So put on my best happy face and went to the bar meeting. Just got back and now I'm in my quiet office and going crazy. I'm going to return phone calls and go home for a nap so I can be presentable tonight for my girls' night. I'm just not in a good place right now. I took a xanax earlier and really can't have another yet if I want to stay awake tonight. The pinning is bad today. I need to go home but I have so much at work. Think I'll just take it home. I was hoping to work a full day today - there's been a noticeable pattern of my leaving early on Fridays. But I don't think I can do it today.