Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Catching up

What a tough week. Monday was full of panic and I finally wrote that flashback memory down. I called to cancel counseling, or so I thought, because of a work conflict, only to find out J had a cancellation that day. So I ended up rescheduling. I printed the prior flashback post out and brought it with me - even though I had no intention of giving it to her. But then I did. I wanted to and didn't want to at the same time. That post is raw, ugly, disgusting. I am ashamed of thinking it, writing it and let alone sitting in front of someone who has read it. J asked if I wanted to do EMDR on it and I think I do. It scares me silly. But if it will help, I'll try it. Provided i don't have to talk about it, of course. I think the hardest thing is the words - I wasn't sure how else to describe it. But even the softest words I could use were ugly and disgusting. They feel dirty and pornographic and I hate that.
Last night I compiled all my panic attack, depression, anxiety, medication and pinning records into one big sheet. It helped me pick out patterns. Lo and behold, my pinning is up when the panic attacks/anxiety are up. When I get into a panic attack/pinning cycle, it gets worse and worse until I finally break down and take the medication. When I diligently take the xanax, I'm fine. I'm hoping the doctor on Monday can prescribe something that I can get pregnant on that will have the same affect. Otherwise I just need to take it until things get better or give up having another child (or adopt). But I'm getting way ahead of myself there.
J and I talked a lot about God and my "not feeling" Him. Last night at Bible study, Teacher said that if you don't feel close to God, guess who moved? And that we have to "do" God to "feel" God, meaning you need to stay in His word, etc. I've not been doing that. It got too intense and like always I swung too far the other way and did nothing with God. J says that if you want to feel God you have to "pour your heart out to Him." That's tough for me - to pour my heart out to someone I don't feel. The only saving grace is that I have felt God before. I have no doubts that He exists and cares for me.
I tried really hard to pray more openly to God this morning. I somewhat pretended He was my passenger in my car. I tried talking out loud but it didn't work. So I just prayed silently. I think my saying that I don't feel God may be may way "out." That I'll give up on God before He gives up on me. I know intellectually God won't give up on me - but I have trouble holding that in my heart. It's a trust issue. I just pray that God can love me in my inability to trust.

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