As I was driving home from church after a wonderful Ash Wednesday and communion service, I had a thought. Suppose just for one miniscule second that I did have some fault in the abuse, that I had a reason to feel guilty, that I had done something wrong. Now fast forward a bit. I did lots of things wrong after the abuse. Lots of things that I knew I needed forgiveness for. Still do lots of things I shouldn't do. Still sin on a daily basis.
Why do I accept forgiveness from God from those sins - the non-abuse ones - but not the guilt I feel over the abuse? Why do I feel cleansed from the other sins, but dirty over the abuse?
I look over these posts and over everything I've written anywhere over the past year. I see patterns - a huge vicious circle - where I go through and "deal" with the same issues over and over. I wonder if they will ever be resolved. I try to remind myself of the progress I have made, but I keep getting stuck in seeing the issues that remain unresolved. I'm tired of dealing with this, but I'm scared to quit.
It's just that I feel stupid and crazy sometimes. Like nothing is sinking in. Like I'm going round and round on the same issues. I can "get" things intelligently sometimes but it won't sink in. And I don't know how to make it. And it is SO frustrating. I really just want to SCREAM.