Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Intellectual Ramblings

As I was driving home from church after a wonderful Ash Wednesday and communion service, I had a thought. Suppose just for one miniscule second that I did have some fault in the abuse, that I had a reason to feel guilty, that I had done something wrong. Now fast forward a bit. I did lots of things wrong after the abuse. Lots of things that I knew I needed forgiveness for. Still do lots of things I shouldn't do. Still sin on a daily basis.
Why do I accept forgiveness from God from those sins - the non-abuse ones - but not the guilt I feel over the abuse? Why do I feel cleansed from the other sins, but dirty over the abuse?
I look over these posts and over everything I've written anywhere over the past year. I see patterns - a huge vicious circle - where I go through and "deal" with the same issues over and over. I wonder if they will ever be resolved. I try to remind myself of the progress I have made, but I keep getting stuck in seeing the issues that remain unresolved. I'm tired of dealing with this, but I'm scared to quit.
It's just that I feel stupid and crazy sometimes. Like nothing is sinking in. Like I'm going round and round on the same issues. I can "get" things intelligently sometimes but it won't sink in. And I don't know how to make it. And it is SO frustrating. I really just want to SCREAM.

2 comments:

Lisa aka Franki said...

Hi Enola

I am sorry you can relate to my poem... no one should.
I am requesting that you also post a link to my site with it.
My site is sadlynormal.org, and the poem is at sadlynormal.org/sdalynormal.htm

I would greatly appreciate it. The poem is copyrighted and I know its going around the internet anonymously. I'm flattered, but I still need to protect it.
I also, of course, invite you to visit my site and my blog at sadlynormal.wordpress.com.

Thank you lots!!!

Tina said...

I know what you mean about going back and looking at things you post - we keep beating ourselves up over the BIG things, and they replay over and over and over again.

That is why, if you look at my post about the "failures" I feel I have in my life, I am going over that list with my counselor. I know intellectually I am not a failure - how can you be a failure if your body just won't let you get PG on your own, right? But, for God knows what reason, I still feel it is a failure and keep replaying it, never forgiving myself for something I just can't control.

I think you need to do something similar - when you feel emotionally ready to do that. Make a list of the things you just can't seem to overcome, that still are nipping at your heals, no matter how far you have come and go over them at some point with your therapist. Sometimes listening to a third-party person saying it is not our failure and we can forgive ourselves makes all of the difference.