Monday, February 12, 2007

Who am I, really?

Who am I really? Am I the professional who has it all together, never cries, advocates for my clients whole-heartedly, arrives on time, neatly put together, coherent speaker, eloquent advocate, good mother, good wife, active church member, fit person that I outwardly portray? OR am I the person I feel like on the inside - a mess, crazy, jumbled up, can't put two words together, cries all the time, sad, depressed, no passion for life, panicked, disorganized, basket case?
I feel like a fraud. Like I'm play-acting no matter which image I portray. Neither image seems to fit real well or be real comfortable. Neither seems like the real me.
I know that I could drop out of my online group, the SI forum, counseling, and all other related things, and probably cope just fine. Outwardly that is. For another few years maybe. Or maybe not given the panic attack I had this morning. A real bad, on the floor gagging in the toilet one. Lovely way to start the weekday. I was all set to post that it had been 2 days without pinning. Until 10 minutes ago. And worst part is, I have no freaking idea what set this PA off. How am I supposed to get a grip on this crap if I don't know what is causing it. Damnittoallhell

1 comment:

Tina said...

You know, even though our reasons for these attacks are very different, the physical feelings are the same.

I am glad to see that you, like I, are addressing this now. If you were not, you would end up wasting so much time trying to deal with it in the future (and you know in your heart it would happen) and time would be taken away from your DD.

You, like I, are trying to be perfect because we are trying to hide that we are not - and we will never be. We are human, and no one can ever be perfect except for God. I am learning it is okay to make mistakes, to say no, to be late for work, to miss church, to forget to vaccuum... You don't need to be perfect - People love you just the way you are, especially your DD.