Who am I really? Am I the professional who has it all together, never cries, advocates for my clients whole-heartedly, arrives on time, neatly put together, coherent speaker, eloquent advocate, good mother, good wife, active church member, fit person that I outwardly portray? OR am I the person I feel like on the inside - a mess, crazy, jumbled up, can't put two words together, cries all the time, sad, depressed, no passion for life, panicked, disorganized, basket case?
I feel like a fraud. Like I'm play-acting no matter which image I portray. Neither image seems to fit real well or be real comfortable. Neither seems like the real me.
I know that I could drop out of my online group, the SI forum, counseling, and all other related things, and probably cope just fine. Outwardly that is. For another few years maybe. Or maybe not given the panic attack I had this morning. A real bad, on the floor gagging in the toilet one. Lovely way to start the weekday. I was all set to post that it had been 2 days without pinning. Until 10 minutes ago. And worst part is, I have no freaking idea what set this PA off. How am I supposed to get a grip on this crap if I don't know what is causing it. Damnittoallhell