Thursday, March 15, 2007

Damnitoallhell again

I had an out of office event this morning. Got done and started to drive back. My lower/mid back along the side has been hurting since yesterday. Not sure if I pulled something working out or if it is one of my infamous kidney infections getting ready to rear it's ugly head. Probably a kidney infection given that it is Thursday - because it won't get real bad until about Saturday evening. And because I've been drinking WAY too much caffeine and not enough water. I know better than that.
So anyway, driving back from my meeting with the windows open and good music on. Can't go as fast as I want because there is a state trooper in front of me. So I had to follow him and he was only going 73 (in a 65)! Couldn't decide what to do about lunch. Started getting panicky - no idea why. So I went to the local sub shop, picked up a sandwich and, knowing my office is quiet at lunch, came back here to check in with online groups, eat my lunch and relax in the quiet.
Of course, given that it is 2007 and no one's life is complete without email, I need to check my messages. Last Friday was the IM conversation with Mom. On Sunday, I found out from my sister that mom is (1) convinced I'm exagerating everything; (2) convinced I'm making too big of a deal out of things and need to just "get over it"; (3) should quit therapy because, after all, if I wasn't thinking/talking about these things, it would just all go away, and (4) is mad because our relationship has changed. Two days ago I sent out a "hi, how are you, general update" type email to all the family, including Mom. Today I get an email back - just from her -

Hi. Just wondering how you are doing. Haven't talked to you for
awhile, and I worry about you. Hope everything is okay,
and getting better. Love and hugs, Mom

(insert silent scream here)
  • "wondering how I'm doing" - ASK ME. She doesn't ever ask. I think she's afraid of the answer. Part of me is quite tempted to just tell her. A "dear mom, life is crappy, all your fault, love me" type letter.
  • "haven't talked to you for awhile" - we talked 1 1/2 weeks ago; IM-ed one week ago. I emailed you (okay, a group email) this week. How about responding?
  • "I worry about you" - Why would that be? Why the worry all of a sudden? Where was the worry when I was 12?
  • "Hope everything is okay and getting better" - getting better? Oh, you mean you DO have a clue that life isn't peachy keen over here.....hmm, how about addressing THAT once in awhile.

UGH. Throwing wadded up paper around my office just isn't all that effective in releasing anger.

1 comment:

Tina said...

If there is one thing I learned, it is you cannot change someone else's way of thinking. Knowing that, I think you should begin to move forward more with your therapy and healing, regardless of your connection to your mom. I am not sure how well or not well your sister has done healing from the abuse, but no one can expect that you can do as well (or as bad) as someone else. You handle your issues your way - not by how someone else feels you should.

Your mother is obviously not comfortable with the idea that she is to blame for letting what happened to you continue - it would rock her world, and she just doesn't want that to happen.

Part of healing is knowing when you should try to repair relationships, or leave them by the wayside. This is a decision you have to make about your mom - is the struggle to salvage a lopsided relationship really worth it? Will she ever hear your side - and I mean, hear and understand? Is it worth trying to get her to hear and understand?

Take pride in knowing the relationship you are forging with your DD will not be like this - and, you can find other people to be "mother" figures who are just damn better at it!