Friday, March 9, 2007

Damnittoallhell

I was having a good morning. DD woke up screaming at 3 am, so she came in and snuggled. After some Vicks vapor rub, she calmed down. Despite only having 2 inches of the bed, I slept really good. Played "slap the alarm clock" for 30 minutes and finally rolled out of bed. Bargained with DH to take DD to school if I got her ready. I was dressed and out the door early. Had some great music to jam too on the radio, traffic was light, sun was coming up, and I had a great conversation with myself in the car (yes, I know that answering yourself when you talk to yourself is a bad sign, but oh well). Came up to the office all fired up to get moving. It's Friday. It's sunny. No court so I even got to dress a little casually today. Drinking my pepsi (coffee would have been better, but oh well).
Forgot my computer cord last night so my battery died and I didn't get to check in with all my online friends. So allotted myself 30 minutes to do that and sat down to wake up and say hi to everyone. Good start to the morning.
Then.........ding ding. It's my Mom on IM.

Mom - Hi honey. DH said you were working late last night. Know you must be busy this morning, too, but wanted to know how you all were doing.

ME - (as stomach bottoms out and I begin to chastise myself for reacting. Debate not responding. Debate some more. Feel guilty. Think that knowing what she wants is better than spending all day wondering what she wants. Thinking that getting the conversation over with online is better than actually having to call her back. Thinking - no actually I wasn't working late last night, I was with J - don't worry, we weren't talking about you TOO much.) Saying, "Did you call? He forgot to tell me you called." (he really did - wonder if that was on purpose. If it was, am I mad or glad that he did that?).

Mom - Yep. Didn't he tell you? I told him if it wasn't too late when you got home, to have you call.

ME - No he didn't tell me. Sorry about that. (then feeling bad, that she might think that DH deliberately didn't tell me or that I was making excuses, I say)
He is really bad about telling me that stuff - he forgot to tell me earlier in the week when someone called (he really did)


Mom - So are you all okay?

ME - (nice, germane question which I read as 'I haven't heard from you. I'm worried. How come you never call me? How come you never IM me? It's been 3 weeks since I've heard anything). Been busy but okay. (sucking in deep breath of air as I type) So how are you? (let out big sigh as I hit the return button).

Mom - blah blah blah Aflac blah blah insurance blah blah need advice on whether I should do it blah blah blah

ME - (grateful for the generic topic and seize on it) blah blah 3 paragraphs about insurance (realize I have once again fallen into the trap of giving my mother advice, but still grateful for the generic topic).

Mom - oh, okay

ME - (hearing the clock chime) It's 8 - gotta run - my appt is here (oops - just lied to my mother. My appt isn't until 8:30. Feel slightly guilty).

Mom - Okay, talk to you some day. Love you, bye

ME - ("SOME day" - yeah, throw that dig in. Taking deep breath) okay - love you too bye (ugh, breakfast threatens to come up. Feeling grateful that I took my xanax this morning even though I HAD been having a good day and didn't think I needed it)

DAMNITTOALLHELL why do I do that? Why do I let that woman get to me? Ruin my day? Why do I fall into her traps? Why do I second guess everything she said? On a scale of 1 - 10, why is my anger toward her only at a 4, but my anger at myself at a 9? Why can't I have one damn good day - it's Friday after all. Why can't I be madder at her? I guess because I feel (1) partly sorry for her - she is just pitiful (2) she's my mother (in a strictly biological sense) so I feel obligated and (3) I feel guilty. Then I get mad at myself for feeling sorry for her - she dug her own hole and besides doesn't she deserve every ounce of hell she lives in? I feel mad at myself for feeling obligated at all and for feeling guilty about having to talk to her.

I was hoping for a good day...........and I'm really mad at myself for letting her ruin it.

1 comment:

Tina said...

It is so very hard to break a cycle once it has begun, but I think you can - you just have to allow yourself to do it.

I think 1) you do not have to say "I love you" if you don't feel it and 2) you don't even have to talk to her if you are not up to it. Let me apply the logic one of my associate directors said to me a couple of weeks ago - Is she sick or dying? No? Then why worry about her? If you can change your ways of thinking based on that statement, I think the anxiety, terror and guilt that comes up when she contacts you will not be as great.

Do yourself a big favor today - go out during lunch if you can, walk or drive around in your car with the wind blowing in your face, the sun shining and maybe even listening to your music. DO NOT LET HER BRING YOU DOWN. Anyone can be a mother - only certain people can be a MOM. You are a MOM, she is just a MOTHER.

** Hugs to you. ** I am here if you need it.