Sunday, March 4, 2007

Loneliness

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. — Mark Twain


Someone pointed out this quote to me. I've had a busy weekend. Hung out with some friends and had some adult/girl time, including lunch. Also got together with another mother and her daughters to hang out and take the girls to see a movie. Today was busy too with church, a nap, and some charity work. It was a good weekend really. A good mix between time with friends, time with my DD, and nap time by myself. I had fun for the most part.

Until I am alone with myself, and with my own thoughts. It can happen in church, when something isn't holding my thoughts and I'm daydreaming. In the car, when DD is napping and I'm alone with my thoughts. When I'm driving somewhere by myself. When I'm in the shower and alone with myself.

Why can't I have happy thoughts when I'm alone? I was holding DD tonight watching America's Home videos and we were laughing so loudly and having a good time. I loved laughing with her and tickling her. Last night, she had a really rough night and was coughing. She ended up in our bed. It was so sweet snuggling with her and having her reach out and hold my hand in the middle of the night. Why can't I reflect on THOSE thoughts when I'm alone?

Instead I reflect on the bad. I'm sad. I find tears filling my eyes. I find myself planning life - trying to figure out what I can do to make me find happy again - happy with myself. I worry constantly about things that will probably never happen - like what if I run into Toilet? Or my Dad? What if something happens to DH? To DD? To me? Today I drove DH's truck - not a vehicle I'm used to driving. I tend to look down thinking that I'm only going 50 only to find out I'm driving 70. Oops. I pass a bridge column and can't help think that it would be more natural to have an "accident" in a vehicle I wasn't used to driving. The truck is so much wider than my car and as I drive down the back roads, I ran slightly off the road, wondering what would happen if I just let go and lost control.

I'm so used to these type of thoughts that I usually don't even think twice about it. But lately I'm become more aware of them. I'm trying to change them - replace them with happier, more positive thoughts. All it has done so far, is make me aware of just how OFTEN I'm having the thoughts. Which is all the time. It is a lonely feeling - to be so uncomfortable being alone, to be so sad being alone. To feel like I have to, on the one hand, surround myself with others and stay busy to avoid having these thoughts, but on the other hand, knowing it is so much easier to just go off by myself and not fight the thoughts off.

ETA - I was checking out some other blogs I frequent. Apparantly this blogger - http://http://recoverypoetry2006.blogspot.com ("Wrong words") has a similar discomfort with periods of feeling calm.

1 comment:

Tina said...

As you begin to acknowledge the things and emotions in your life that have brought you so much pain, it is hard are first to think of positive, better times when you are alone.

I am starting to do that now - but it took a long time too. As you become more comfortable with how you feel, thinking of positive things will be come easier.

Try something like, instead of making lists of things you have to do in the day in your head, make lists of the things you love the most. This is why I set aside my Friday blogs now to post about Chris - to remind me of the best things in my life.