Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Out Loud = Scares Me

On other forums, when I've had to write out "what happened," I did a nice general intro with nice "safe" words like "fondle" and "expose" with a slightly less safe word "masturbate" on occasion. Other people get WAY detailed in their posts. I admire their ability to write it out like that.

I am trying to work on my ability to verbalize what happened. At one time, months ago I remember trying to write things out in a more detailed format.
So anyway I dug through things and found it. I remember writing it. I remember really struggling with it. I remember it taking a long time - maybe days. I don't remember what it says. It's like reading a stranger's words. I mean what it says is familiar because it's my story. But it's not like it's me - I don't talk like that. I can't talk like that. I don't use those words. I can't write those words. I must have at one time - I mean they are there. I think (again fuzzy) I wrote them without really looking at the screen much. And I think at one time I was able to read through most of it - maybe all.

So, I had this bright idea that I would shut myself in my bedroom (did that), close the door (did that), turn radio up (did that) and very quietly whisper it - read it in a whisper. Or at least mouth the words without any sound.

Nope - the not really remembering it and it feeling all third-person like totally threw me. What's up with that? I don't want to dwell on that feeling to long. That's scary feeling. I hate that - when I do/write something and then it doesn't feel "real" to me. Freaks me out.

So anyway, I tried to just read it figuring I'd go back and try to at least mouth or whisper the words. Like maybe I could say the out loud alone to me first. Good gosh no way. I couldn't even read through it. It's like certain words are in BIG HUGE FONT LEAPING OFF THE PAGE AT ME. Why the backslide? How come I can't even read it any more. How the hell am I supposed to work up to saying this out loud if I am not moving forward on this.

I keep flipping between screens trying to at least read it. I HATE THIS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. Why the hell can't I just DO IT? What is so hard about this? I hate being so weak. Why do I let it have so much power over me - him still have power over me. I hate that.

damnittoallhell this sucks.


Tina said...

I think you are being too hard on yourself - the fact that you can acknowledge you once WROTE this out and you KNOW it was your words is a good step. Being able to see it was you and start reading this outloud - truly owning the experiences - takes time. Be patient with yourself - you don't know how long the other survivers who can write about it in detail took to be able to write it out.

Kathryn said...

This is something I constantly struggle with as well. I tried to call a hotline last night and ended up hanging up before anyone answered. I have a horrible time speaking the words. Writing... not easy. But doable. I tend to take a lot of stuff in for my therapist to read because I get completely tongue tied trying to say it.

The idea of going in my room, closing the door, turning up the music and trying to whisper it seems like a good one. I might try it when I start to feel a bit more stable.