On other forums, when I've had to write out "what happened," I did a nice general intro with nice "safe" words like "fondle" and "expose" with a slightly less safe word "masturbate" on occasion. Other people get WAY detailed in their posts. I admire their ability to write it out like that.
I am trying to work on my ability to verbalize what happened. At one time, months ago I remember trying to write things out in a more detailed format.
So anyway I dug through things and found it. I remember writing it. I remember really struggling with it. I remember it taking a long time - maybe days. I don't remember what it says. It's like reading a stranger's words. I mean what it says is familiar because it's my story. But it's not like it's me - I don't talk like that. I can't talk like that. I don't use those words. I can't write those words. I must have at one time - I mean they are there. I think (again fuzzy) I wrote them without really looking at the screen much. And I think at one time I was able to read through most of it - maybe all.
So, I had this bright idea that I would shut myself in my bedroom (did that), close the door (did that), turn radio up (did that) and very quietly whisper it - read it in a whisper. Or at least mouth the words without any sound.
Nope - the not really remembering it and it feeling all third-person like totally threw me. What's up with that? I don't want to dwell on that feeling to long. That's scary feeling. I hate that - when I do/write something and then it doesn't feel "real" to me. Freaks me out.
So anyway, I tried to just read it figuring I'd go back and try to at least mouth or whisper the words. Like maybe I could say the out loud alone to me first. Good gosh no way. I couldn't even read through it. It's like certain words are in BIG HUGE FONT LEAPING OFF THE PAGE AT ME. Why the backslide? How come I can't even read it any more. How the hell am I supposed to work up to saying this out loud if I am not moving forward on this.
I keep flipping between screens trying to at least read it. I HATE THIS. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT. Why the hell can't I just DO IT? What is so hard about this? I hate being so weak. Why do I let it have so much power over me - him still have power over me. I hate that.
damnittoallhell this sucks.