Saturday, March 10, 2007

Started out with Good Intentions

STOP BRAIN. SHUT OFF NOW. I went to bed at an extremely decent time last night. I slept well. I slept in. Well, until 6:30 am when DH woke up and started asking me questions. I had to help out at church this morning. DH was going to have a day with DD - the opposite of what had happened last weekend when I had DD all day. For once, actually for as long as I can remember, DH was going to have DD for the entire day, and not go to his parents. I wondered what he would do all day. I had found out that Veggie tales was playing locally and told him about that. Nope - he would rather take her hiking - what he likes to do. DD would have preferred Veggie Tales - but oh well.
Growing up, my dad exercised quite a bit of visitation. But I can't hardly remember any times where it was just dad, my sister and I. Except if we were doing yard work. We were over other people's houses - hanging out with their kids; going to cook outs; taking trips places with groups of others. I don't remember just doing something with my dad.
When DH goes to his parents, he does hang out with DD. But he also leaves her with his mom a lot to go shoot or hunt with his dad. DD loves going to "Grammy and Pop Pops." But it is not one-on-one time with her daddy.
Maybe I'm foisting my own insecurities and wants and desires on DH/DD. I want him to want to spend quality time with her - alone with her. Not to do it just because ~I~ want him too.
At 6:30 this morning, DH wakes up and then wakes me up - "I think I'm going to take DD to the parade in [parent's hometown]. Is that okay?" Why is he asking me permission? I tell him it's okay. Then he asks "Are you sure it is okay?" which he asks several more times. Then he comes in, "Should I take the dog?" Why can't he make up his mind on anything? Anyway, he left and I had the entire day to myself. (more on what I did below). He comes home and I snuggle with DD and put her to bed. DH & I go around re-setting the clocks. Then he says "I think I'll go to bed - is that okay?" Why is he asking permission to go to bed? I ask him that and he says "well, I didn't know if you were going to be on the computer or wanted to watch that move." I had already tried to watch the movie and 1/2 way through turned it off - it was terrible. But I told him he could turn it on or we could do something else. He asks "well should I watch it? Do you want to do something?" I GIVE UP. Make up your mind. I am so tired of having to make all the decisions. So anyway, he is in bed and I resisted the urge to yell after him "MAKE UP YOUR OWN DAMN MIND."

My idea was to be good to myself today. I had good intentions. I worked the concession stand at church - treated myself to coffee first. Had a good time laughing and joking with church friends. Loved watching the kids play and have a good time. But of course, as soon as I'm done and on my own, the thoughts intrude. I don't know how to be alone. Not without being on guard. I don't know how to relax alone. I have this urge to push through and work through things - so that I can be "done" and not have to deal with this anymore.
After that video clip I saw (see my 3/2/07 post), I had this urge to create my own story. But I needed to do it my way. My outlet is writing and scrapbooking. So I went through old pictures, scanned them into black and white images. Then set up the camera timer and took some pictures of myself - as I see me. Then some other "prop" pictures. Off to the hobby shop to pick up some supplies. Five hours and any a myriad of emotions later (BTW - when kodak advertises that their photos are waterproof, they also mean tearproof), I was done. I have a scrapbook of my life. Not the happy go lucky, fun photographs that you show off at family events. This is the ugly stuff. Me. The raw me. I like it. I like that it's out there in visual form. Someday I'd like to do a volume II with a (hopefully) happier ending. It was a hard project. I'm better at writing out things than verbalizing things and didn't foresee having any problems writing out all the nasty, dirty things. But when I tried to write it on the same pages as pictures - of me, of Toilet, of mom of other things - it was really hard. On some of it I "held back a little" -- not because I wanted too, but because I couldn't make it any more real.

After I was done, I decided to give my sister a call. We chat by email almost every day, IM every day or other day and by phone at least once a week. I had emailed my sister a summary of my IM with my mom from earlier this week. I knew she had talked with Mom this morning (she's the "good daughter" who calls mom every Saturday morning). So anyway I figured mom would have brought up the fact that she had called, and I hadn't called her back. I was right.
My sister did ask me whether I really wanted to know. Actually she said "have you had your xanax today?" I don't want to put any pressure on Sister. All of our childhood we had to censor what we said and keep stories straight. So I've told Sister not to worry about what she tells mom. I don't volunteer stuff to mom, but I'm not hiding anything either. And I don't want Sister to feel she has to either.
So anyway, my mom questioned whether DH really forgot to give me the message or whether I just used it as an excuse. Sister said that she knew DH forgets to give me messages, but Mom needed to consider that maybe DH was protecting me by not giving me the message. Mom says she doesn't know whether to call me or not call me; give me space or not. She knows I need space and time to work through things and she wants me too, but she wonders how long it will take, and what good digging all this stuff up is doing. Sister mentioned something about some of my childhood memories being fuzzy and Mom seems to think I ought to leave them that way. Mom blames everything on counseling and J. She really didn't like that joint session I "forced her to attend" and is convinced that it is not doing me any good and is making me worse. I find that funny since she I tell her absolutely nothing about counseling, what is discussed, how often I go. Nothing. So I can only imagine she bases her opinion on that one joint session - in which I was pretty blunt with her. Mom says she "doesn't know what to do." So Sister said something to Mom along the lines of "You know what you can do" (meaning leaving your husband). Always before, Mom would say "no I can't." This time she said "that is not going to change the past." Hmm, wonder if life isn't so good in her little oasis?
So mom is worried and concerned about me. Whatever. Where were you when I was 12, 13, 14, etc? Not so worried or concerned then? Fine time to start thinking about what is best for me now. And who the hell is she to state an opinion as whether counseling or dealing with this or whatever is good for me - as if she has ever known or done what is good for me? Why is she so damn concerned about a relationship with me now? Why not 18 years ago?

I try to escape from dealing with this mess for awhile. I try to do productive, healing things. I try to give myself time off. But it doesn't work. When I'm not busy - when I'm alone - it's on my mind. I don't know how to shut my mind off. When I was working on my scrapbook project, I recalled past coping techniques. Alcohol; promiscuity; over exercise. It worked in the moment, but never for long. Once again I'm back to wanting it to go away. To do something, anything, to numb my brain.....make it stop.

1 comment:

Tina said...

Shutting my mind off to what hurt the most was the hardest thing to do - but I finally did find a way, so I think in time it will be attainable for you too. It just takes time - and you need to allow yourself to have patience with yourself, like you do for so many other people in your life.

No, leaving Toilet will not change the past. But leaving Toilet for her own sake would be healing for all of you in the long run - to better all of you. But, that would make her address the things in her life she doesn't want to address: Her insecurities, her disappointments, her faults. And if someone isn't ready to deal with them, then it is easier to keep with the status quo.

You and your sister will be different - you will make the change.