Thursday, March 29, 2007

Therapy Funnies - A Patient's Guide to Keeping your Therapist on his/her Toes

A little light-hearted humor for today. These had me on the floor laughing -

Things to do in your Therapy Sessions -

  • Insist that one of your other personalities paid last month's bill.
  • Lie under the couch - if your T doesn't have a couch, lie on the floor and be the couch.
  • When the ER personnel ask you if you know where you are - say, "Why? Don't you? If you don't know where I am, I want to go somewhere else."
  • Tell the T the only reason you are there is because the "voices" told you to come.
  • Get a very long sheet of paper and roll it up in a scroll format. Tell your T it is a list of things you do not want to discuss.
  • Bring popcorn and soda. Tell them that for the rate you're paying, you expect to be entertained.
  • Keep looking in your purse or pocket and asking, "Are you okay in there?"
  • Sit cross-legged on the floor chanting "prozac, zoloft, xanax, klonopin, vicodin, these are a few of my favorite things."
  • Reply to everything your T says with "Well, that's what YOU think."
  • Repeat the following conversation dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
  • Ask your T for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
  • Screw up your face, look puzzled, and ask "You mean that's not normal?" and watch them backpeddle.
  • Speak only in the third person, e.g., T says "How are you today?" answer "Smith is doing well today, how is _T's name_ doing?"
  • When the shrink asks you how you are? say, "I don't know how am I?" or "for what I'm paying you, shouldn't you be the one figuring that out?"
  • Get some kind of lollie or candy, similar to that of your medication, (or any prescription med bottle), as long as they can't read exactly what it is; and put the candy in your real medication container or substitute. Then everytime you T asks something hard or stressful, say 'oooh no, here we go again' and reach for the "meds" and pop another one.
  • play the mirror game...repeat everything your T says. "How are you today" "How are YOU today" "Did you have a good week" "Did YOU have a good week" "This is not about me, it's about you" "This is NOT about ME, it's about YOU"
  • Ask your T mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook.
  • When you get to a lull in the conversation and just stare really hard, then ask "so, are we playing the silent game again?" - "who is winning?"
  • Take your note pad and pen and get all excited and at the end of the session show them a picture of your t that resembles a farm yard animal and demand to see theirs because they sit drawing every week and you never see theirs.
  • Walk into the room before the T does and sit in the chair he/she normally occupies.
  • Stare directly into their eyes. If they blink, jump out, yelling "yes! I win, I win!" and start laughing hysterically. If you blink, make a noise of frustration, shake your head and start staring again.
  • Bring a book and read for the session. Whenever they say something, look annoyed and say, "I'm not paying you to interrupt me."
  • When your T says that it's time to finish now, pretend to cry or have a temper tantrum 'screaming 'OOWWWW! 5 more minutes!!'
  • Jump and flick the light switch on/off in the middle of your T's sentences.
  • slowly walk toward your T while staring intently at his left ear, as you get closer tell him/her to "shhhhh" when he asks what you are doing reply "I am listening to the voices in YOUR head, and boy are YOU messed up"
  • Close your eyes whenever you talk. Look in the direction of your T, just keep your eyes closed. Open them to listen.
  • Ask "And how does that make you feel?" when your T suggests something.
  • Bring a book (pictures books will do nicely). Whenever your T asks you something, look in the book before you answer. Don't let your T see what's inside.
  • get them to give you a penny for your thoughts everytime you answer a question, but give them back two cents every time you volunteer information. Try to earn back the cost of therapy.
  • Scream when they sit down. Burst into tears and tell them that they killed Fufu, your invisible puppy.
  • when your T tells you they can read faces put a paper bag over your head.
  • Insist the session occur by writing back and forth. When they ask why say, "The walls have ears."
  • When your T says she can "see it in your eyes," pull out a pair of sunglasses and put them on.

(I'm going to have to try the last one!!!)

And to finish off with a quote - "You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until you're completely broke."

1 comment:

Tina said...

Oh....I am sooo tempted to do the Popcorn and Soda one! Hummm....