Today is March 1st - SI Awareness Day. Here is a good article http://http://media.www.tbirdtimes.com/media/storage/paper1158/news/2007/02/16/Entertainment/SelfInjury.Awareness-2730552.shtml written by someone that posts on the "bus" (Bodies under Siege) board with me.
The article states, " 'I use self injury to process my emotions. My psychiatrist says I haven't learned to feel them so I self-injure when I'm upset angry, sad, and even happy.........People who self-injure have never learned how to deal with the overwhelming emotions they are facing. Often times people who self-injure have been abused in some way, whether it has been sexual, physical, or emotional. The abuse can cause a feeling of deep seeded self-hatred for the person and often times is when the self-injury starts. Abuse victims often feel that they are at fault for the abuse and turn to self-injury as a way to punish themselves or deal with the emotions that they are feeling caused by the abuse. '"
I too use SI in relation to my emotions. I'm not sure if it is to process them or not. Sometimes it is to ease down the panic. Other times it is a way of escaping the numbness. I think it is because "I haven't learned to feel [emotions]." I haven't learned to feel them, name, them, describe them or label them. Sometimes I don't want to; I don't like them. Emotions have been primarily negative for me."Deep-heeded self-hatred...feel they are at fault...deal with the emotions" -- that all describes me. I think SI is my way of not dealing with the emotions. The way I release my pain and the feeling of being out of control. A way of re-gaining control.I hate myself for wanting to do it; I hate myself for needing to do it; I hate myself after I do it -- but DURING doing it, I feel only relief. Total relief.
ETA - I started writing this last night, but waited to "publish" it until today since today is March 1. I made a promise with myself to be good to myself today. I didn't keep that promise. For me SI is a coping mechanism to regain control. If emotions get too intense, it brings me back to a balance. If the numbness gets to intense, it helps me feel. If I have a panic attack, it diverts my focus and helps me snap out of it. But it's losing its "magic" and things are getting worse. I have to do it more often and more times. How do I stop this? I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and it's going out of control? Huge confession time - and I'm really hesitant to put this out knowing people I 'know' are reading it. But I lost contorl today with it and had to actually get gauze and tape to (1) make myself stop and (2) clean up. I hate myself right now. I'm a 31 year old professional woman, wife and mother - why the hell can't I act like it and get my shit together already?