Monday, March 26, 2007

Whore House

"I didn't know you were running a whore house, Mom."

This was something a friend posted on another site. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Waves of panic washed over me. I rode the waves. When things subsided, I thought about this statement. A lot.
My childhood home was a lot like a whorehouse. Plenty of foul language. Thick clouds of cigarette smoke. The clinking of alcohol glasses. The bar in the basement, complete with bar stools and a mirror behind the bar rimmed in twinkling lights. The X-rated movies. The pornographic magazines lying around. The sex toys in the night stands. The parading around half-dressed. Sexual comments, innuendos and jokes.
My mom commented on the abuse one time, saying, "How do you think I felt -- knowing that my husband preferred my daughter to me?" I think she meant that she felt betrayed and jealous. She should have felt disgust and loathing toward her husband. Instead of toward her daughter. Mom chose her husband (then-boyfriend) over her children. She later said she couldn't afford to leave him. So basically she "sold" my sister and I to her boyfriend/husband, in order to live the lifestyle to which she had become accustomed. Nice, mom. Guess that makes you the madame?

4 comments:

Tina said...

Wow, I am not sure what to say to this one, except that I think you have a very good idea of why she allowed the abuse to continue.

She obviously has issues that she has not chosen to deal with - and you trying to reclaim your life through counseling is opening up the Pandora's Box for her... You are strong to want to over come this - guess we will see how strong she will be.

Beautiful Dreamer said...

After my mother walked in on my stepdad molesting me, she told me in a flat voice that. "we can send him to prison if you want--but then we'd have to sell the house and go on welfare."

I don't think that was a decision for a 10 year old to make!

Enola said...

Beautiful dreamer - you are absolutely right - not a decision a 10 year old should make. Your post on your blog today about materialism goes hand and hand with this post. Sad what our moms did because of finances.

casey said...

I have been reading your blog for awhile now.

One of my abusers was my step dad too. I never told my mom...but always felt she should have known. I dont know how fair that is...but its just how I feel.

I think deep down, I was afraid she would choose him and security above me. I could not have stood that. Its funny what I will stand and what I will not allow myself too.

Your blog is so helpful...thank you for being brave.