Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Depleting the Trigger Bank & Russian Roulettte

I'm hoping that there is this bank of triggers somewhere, containing all my trigger words, memories, smells, sights, events. But the bank has a limit. Once exhausted, I'll be safe - no more triggers. Because, if that is true, then I've worked hard on depleting the trigger bank lately. It has to be getting pretty close to empty..... I hope.

I've been playing Russian Roulette with the Trigger Gun. Put all the triggers in, fire, and see how I cope. Can I pass the test? How close can I get to the trigger without collapsing or backing down in fear? How long can I survive the trigger without having a break down, requiring meds, pinning, falling apart?

In some areas I'm doing slightly better in coping. For instance, a co-worker came up behind me unexpectedly yesterday, put her hand on my shoulder as she reached around me for something on the counter. I jumped and shrieked a little. But, I did NOT reach back and elbow her, knee her, or turn around and attack her. That's improvement - sort of.

A small part of me seeks out the triggers. They are like tests. I get to practice coping skills. I have always had this need to push myself to my outermost limit. Just to see if I can do it - then I beat myself up when I fail. Problem is, while there is some improvement in certain areas, there is not in others. So I end up subjecting myself to unnecessary stress instead of taking steps to avoid the triggers or minimize them.

Last week I expected triggers with Mom's visit. I planned ahead. I took my xanax regularly. Treated myself. DH and Sister were watching out for me. Triggers came and I acknowledged them, dealt with them, and survived. In a decently healthy fashion. I felt refreshed Sunday evening/Monday morning. Ready to tackle work. In a good frame of mind to get things done. Had a spurt of energy and was ready to conquer all those work projects I had been procrastinating about. That didn't last too long.

So this week, I've neglected to take care of myself. I know it. I know what I need to do. Why am I sitting here, glued to my chair, not doing it? I know I need to eat regularly, take my xanax regularly, sleep regularly, back off the excessive caffeine, stop playing Russian Roulette, go back to avoiding certain posts/articles/stories/books/movies/songs/TV shows, tell people when something they do/say triggers me (or at least take steps to make myself safe or remove myself) and just generally take care of me.

There is a song that says "I know you know just what I need." In this case, I know what I need. I know that I know what I need. I know I need to do what I need. In most cases, I even know how to do it. I just can't........or is it won't?

I hear survivors on my online group say "I don't deserve to" [eat, sleep, heal, live, whatever]. Or "I'm not worth" [living for, fighting for, etc.]. It makes me mad when they say that. Irritates me. I tell them not to allow their abuser to make them feel worthless (confession time - I feel the same way, am acting the same way, allowing him to make me feel the same way --- and I hate it - hate myself for being this way)


Tina said...

Isn't it amazing how we can support others - care for others - better than we can support and care for ourselves? That is the legacy that we have through our grief - but something we have the power within us to change.

I hope you can come to the day when you finally acknowledge you deserve better than what you are allowing for youself - because, when that day comes, you will finally be able to acknowledge you DESERVE better, you DESERVE the power in your live, you DESERVE to be free of Toilet's power. When you finally see that, Toilet will no longer have any power over you - and you will finally know you do in fact deserve better for yourself.

** Hugs **

Marj aka Thriver said...

A finite "bank" of triggers. what a great idea! Nope. Can't be. I'd be seriously overdrawn by now if there were. ;) Hey, thanks so much for visiting my blog and leaving you kind and helpful comment. The thing you said about my arms falling asleep does remind me about some Peter Levine info from the trauma book, "Waking the Tiger." I see you put up a link to me too--thanks. I am waaay behind on updating and adding links on my blog, but I'd like to link to yours as well.

Enola said...

marj - that would be great!