I'm hoping that there is this bank of triggers somewhere, containing all my trigger words, memories, smells, sights, events. But the bank has a limit. Once exhausted, I'll be safe - no more triggers. Because, if that is true, then I've worked hard on depleting the trigger bank lately. It has to be getting pretty close to empty..... I hope.
I've been playing Russian Roulette with the Trigger Gun. Put all the triggers in, fire, and see how I cope. Can I pass the test? How close can I get to the trigger without collapsing or backing down in fear? How long can I survive the trigger without having a break down, requiring meds, pinning, falling apart?
In some areas I'm doing slightly better in coping. For instance, a co-worker came up behind me unexpectedly yesterday, put her hand on my shoulder as she reached around me for something on the counter. I jumped and shrieked a little. But, I did NOT reach back and elbow her, knee her, or turn around and attack her. That's improvement - sort of.
A small part of me seeks out the triggers. They are like tests. I get to practice coping skills. I have always had this need to push myself to my outermost limit. Just to see if I can do it - then I beat myself up when I fail. Problem is, while there is some improvement in certain areas, there is not in others. So I end up subjecting myself to unnecessary stress instead of taking steps to avoid the triggers or minimize them.
Last week I expected triggers with Mom's visit. I planned ahead. I took my xanax regularly. Treated myself. DH and Sister were watching out for me. Triggers came and I acknowledged them, dealt with them, and survived. In a decently healthy fashion. I felt refreshed Sunday evening/Monday morning. Ready to tackle work. In a good frame of mind to get things done. Had a spurt of energy and was ready to conquer all those work projects I had been procrastinating about. That didn't last too long.
So this week, I've neglected to take care of myself. I know it. I know what I need to do. Why am I sitting here, glued to my chair, not doing it? I know I need to eat regularly, take my xanax regularly, sleep regularly, back off the excessive caffeine, stop playing Russian Roulette, go back to avoiding certain posts/articles/stories/books/movies/songs/TV shows, tell people when something they do/say triggers me (or at least take steps to make myself safe or remove myself) and just generally take care of me.
There is a song that says "I know you know just what I need." In this case, I know what I need. I know that I know what I need. I know I need to do what I need. In most cases, I even know how to do it. I just can't........or is it won't?
I hear survivors on my online group say "I don't deserve to" [eat, sleep, heal, live, whatever]. Or "I'm not worth" [living for, fighting for, etc.]. It makes me mad when they say that. Irritates me. I tell them not to allow their abuser to make them feel worthless (confession time - I feel the same way, am acting the same way, allowing him to make me feel the same way --- and I hate it - hate myself for being this way)