Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Fuck It --- and other Deliciously Defiant words

(Those of you with sensitive ears might want to avoid this one -- actually no "might" about it - you definitely want to avoid this one)

To quote a dear fellow blogger (this one is for you, Lynn) -- Fuck it, FUCK IT, just Fuck it.

Wow, that felt good, in an odd sort of way, because I do not usually say that word, let alone write it out, let alone in all caps, let alone three times in a row. But there is something deliciously defiant in saying that word. It's letting the "old" side of me out just a little bit. The pre-Christian me (because the post-Christian girl doesn't use 'those' types of words). It makes me wonder what some people would say if they heard that word come out of my mouth.

My husband has heard me say it before, rarely, but he has. The last time was recently when he said something really horrible and I said to him "Fuck You." Oops. I meant to say it though - paused and deliberately said it. And even now, I think he deserved the anger I felt when I said it. Actually, my wonderfully naive husband who grew up in a house where no one cursed (and "damn" was a bad word) thought that the middle finger stood for "go to hell." Boy did he have some things to learn when he started dating me. I think his vocabulary doubled the first time he met my relatives.

Work has never heard me say it. At least not that I can remember. Oh boy would it shock them. Heck, half of them apologize when they slip and curse in front of me! LOL. They'd really flip if they heard my foul mouth.

Church has never heard me say it. This I know for sure. I think the church members would fall over dead if they heard that word at all, let alone from me.

Friends - well some know me really well. Some know my prior propensity for the word. Others know I occasionally let it fly - usually when it is particularly appropriate. It's a word I save for "special occasions."

I used to let it fly when I dropped something or ran into something. But given my clumsiness I switched to "shit" or, now that I have a 3 year old that repeats everything I say, "sugar" or "Shoot."

One friend has something called MTHFR - it has caused/contributed to several miscarriages. Every time I read her blog and see it, I think "Mother Fucker" - to her it probably is. It's fucking with her dreams of being a mother to another child. Sometimes, like in that situation, the "F-bomb" is just so very appropriate. Nothing else will do. Sometimes you just have to rant and rave and vent about it, about anything.

When Lynn uses it on her blog, I sometimes laugh out loud. I do particularly like her disclaimer heading at the top of her blog. When another friend says WTF (short for "what the fuck" for those of you a little behind on shorthand) it makes me smile in a sarcastic sort of way. I know that she is about to vent on something - something extremely ventworthy. It's her way of saying AARRGGGHHH or What the Hell were you thinking?

My "favorite" and most commonly used "foul"expression is "damnittoallhell" - written out in all one word. It usually covers most situations. And it just suits me for some reason.

My least favorite, and one that causes me to cringe, is any foul word with God or Jesus attached to it. I mean, I do have some standards, be it a bit minimal at times. I'll actually turn off a show/movie quicker for some "GDs" thrown around before I will for some "F-bombs." While I believe "fuck" and other such words have their time, place, and appropriate use, there just isn't any situation worth of using God's name in vain.

But alas I digress..........I started out venting about something. Ah yes. I was thinking about my abuser. Sister and I won't use his real name. We debated calling him "that Mother Fucker" ("MF" for short) but decided that we really didn't want to use the word "mother" in referring to him, or the word "fuck" for that matter. So with that option out, we called him "Asshole." That stuck for a very long time. Up until my sister's oldest learned to repeat things. Now we call him "Toilet" - it just doesn't have the same ring, but then again no one is going to call the law on me when my daughter repeats it someday in public.

And today, my word for the day, is damnittoallhell - because, I have both an orthdontist (assume turtle on its back position) and a regular doctor (no I don't want to talk about why I'm here, thank you very much) appt. Thus far I'm being a "good girl." I went to the gym and had a great work out (nothing like a little pent up anger, frustration and anxiety to get those legs pumping). I then stopped and got a REAL breakfast - bread, protein (eggs and bacon and cheese) and coffee. I even took all my meds. So I hope my lapse into foul language will be overlooked for today.


Tina said...

Thanks for the MTHFR reference. ;) I do often call it my Mother Fucker curse - or, as my Hubby puts it, my useless Mutant Power. But, at this point now, it is actually the least of my TTC worries - I think the Hashi's is going to be more problematic.

Anyways... Sometimes, you just HAVE TO curse. I refrain from doing it around DS...and I try to refrain from it other times too. But, when someone cuts me off on the commute in, they get a resounding Fuck You from me. ;) It's the Jersey in me, what can I say! I think you need to use cursing when you deem appropriate - and not give a damn about what others think about you when you let one fly. You are trying to find YOU again - and, the more you bend to hide this side of you, the longer the road will be to finding you. Make sense? So, don't apologize for a Damn Fucking thing! HeeeHeee! Okay, maybe refraining at church *might* be a good thing.

Oh, by the way, I have a quote for you from my Women Who Do Too Much calendar that fits perfectly with Voice A and Voice B floaring around, messing up your day:

"I have an awful lot of people inside me." Dame Edith Evans

** Growing up and claiming our own lives is partially a process of being able to distinguish our own voice from the clamor of the crown inside.

I hope that you can find your own voice among A and B - it's there, you hust have to claim it!

Lynn said...

Thank you for that, Enola. And yes, it's important not to constantly say fuck, otherwise it would lose it's punch :-) and then what would we do when a good swear word is needed?