Sunday, April 22, 2007

Inner Battle

Sometimes it's like I these parts of me that split off and have conversations -- more like debates -- between themselves. I usually just sit back and observe. (note - I don't have DID, this is just my way of trying to sort things out). I find myself doing it a lot lately when I have the urge to do something I know I shouldn't - skip a meal, skip a med, SI, etc. One voice is the "good girl" - the "follow the rule" girl. The other argues back, finds the loopholes, thinks she is stronger.

Voice A - Don't even think about it. Just go do something else. You're stronger than this. You're just stressed and overwhelmed. Just hang in there and this will all be over soon.

Voice B - What's wrong with thinking about it? Besides, you're the one who didn't plan ahead, who waited until the last minute to do all this stuff. You can not even get motivated anymore. What is wrong with you? You can't do anything right anymore.

Voice A - You know the rules. You can't just do it.

Voice B - Those stupid rules. Yeah, well you "tried your best" not to SI. But the urge is still there. And you took your meds and ate. So it's okay now. Just do it. It's easier. Besides you've procrastinated about everything. You don't have time for these distraction techniques. It's just a waste of more time you don't have.

Voice A - No, that's not the way it works. You have to do the other things first. You need to try to distract yourself first. Take another 1/2 a pill. Go do something productive.

Voice B - distraction? oh Phoey. That's just stupid. You can spend all that time and effort and exhaust yourself trying to distract yourself. You won't succeed. You can't focus on anything lately. Or have you forgotten that your unfocus is the reason you are in this mess. You can't do anything right any more - you're way behind on your "to do list." Just get on with it already. Quit wasting time and do it and feel better sooner. Cut out all that wasted time.

Voice A - what wasted time? You need a nap anyway. Go take a nap. It will be good for you. You deserve a nap.

Voice B - sure, a nap. Like you have time for a nap. Did you forget that you are BEHIND on your To Do list. Way Behind. Have you forgotten that your husband has done everything around the house all weekend long, while you've sat on your butt. Yea, go nap. Why not? Just like the other day. You napped for over 2 hours on Friday trying to avoid the urge. It didn't help, did it? But cutting ---- now that helped. That made you feel good. That gave you energy. Just what you needed to get everything done you needed to accomplish.

Voice A - Shut up, B. There's nothing that needs to be accomplished tonight. Just go take a nap. You'll feel better.

Me ..............deciding nap feels good............lays down............with meds.............sleeps well.

Voice A - See, you feel better.

Voice B - no you don't - you're groggy. Look at you. You are in a fog. Napping 6 plus hours over the weekend. You lazy wench. What are you going to do? Sleep your life away. All you've done is sleep. You've not spent any time with your daughter - just napped for hours each day. Get up and go do something. What about the garden you were supposed to work in? The weeds you were going to pull? Fixing dinner for this week so your daughter can have a real meal for once, instead of chicken nuggets and Kraft macaroni. What about the laundry, ironing, making the bed? You're just lazy. Get up and do something.

Me ................... takes daughter to library..................cramps get worse..................triggers

Voice A - take some ibuprofen and go snuggle with your daughter. Try to take some deep breaths. Curl up with the heating pad.

Voice B - just do it. You can't even get past a few cramps. Suck it up and deal with it. It's part of being a female. Just get over it. Weakling - look at you - down and out with a few cramps. Just get up for heavens sake. You'll feel better if you're moving around. Stop being so lazy.

Voice A - just take it easy. Eat some food and snuggle and read books to your daughter. You deserve to spend time with her.

Voice B - deserve? You don't deserve anything. You're weak. You're pathetic. Can't deal with anything.

Me.................feeling guilty................can not resist..............not strong in................feels instant relief, calm, better...

Voice B - See, I told you that you couldn't resist. You weakling.

Voice A - it's okay. There's always next time. You'll do better next time..............


Lynn said...

I lost the battle last night. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I was scared and I didn't feel like I had any more options.

Enola said...

Hugs Lynn. I am sorry. I know how you feel - being out of options. Time to head back toward the fence and take a stroll in that meadow of yours. If we hold hands, maybe we can make it together?

Lynn said...

I think so, Enola. I think we can. I guess I'm starting to feel a little ashamed about this behaviour, but I don't like to be scared and out of options.

Enola said...

Shame is a powerful emotion. Don't let it get you down. Try to come up with a list of other options. I'm wearing a rubber band right now which I can snap when I get the urge. (hmm, so much easier to give advice to you than take it for myself LOL)