Monday, April 23, 2007

Just Jump

The 2 voices in my head usually talk amongst themselves. But every once in awhile, one of them wants to talk more to me. Usually the other one catches on and chimes in. Makes me feel a bit crazy. I mean, I know most people talk to themselves, but what is that saying, "You know there is a problem when you answer yourself" ..........what happens when you answer two of yourselves......and debate them too?

Voice A - psst, Hey.

Me - what? Quit intruding on my thoughts. I need to be getting work done.

Voice A - you forget I know your thoughts already. You're not thinking of work. You're thinking of jumping.

Me - jumping? What are you talking about?

Voice A - quit being so stubborn. You remember - what the pastor talked about in Sunday school?

Me - I was not thinking about that. I'm thinking about work.... or trying to.

Voice A - Liar. You've been thinking about it ever since yesterday. And deep down, you really want to do it.

(background - yesterday in Sunday School, the pastor of the church we visited talked about the difference between religion and Christianity. He talked about a conversation with a woman who said she believed God and Jesus existed, but didn't feel them. The pastor said, 'that's because you don't KNOW them; don't TRUST them.' He asked the woman to imagine her little girl standing on the edge of a bed and the woman waiting a few steps away with outstretched arms, telling the little girl to jump. The little girl knows/sees her mom there. Believes she exists. Is that why she jumps? No, otherwise she would jump to just anyone, and we know that is not something she would do. The little girl jumps because she TRUSTS her mother to catch her. Same with God. We can know He exists. But we have to trust Him to catch us. We have to be willing to jump).

Me - I was not thinking about that. I don't have time to think about that. I have to work.

Voice A - liar. You're really doing a good job of working, aren't you? And how come your morning prayers were so short this morning? You're struggling. And like usual, you are trying to do it all yourself. Why won't you just jump?

Me - I am NOT thinking of jumping. I don't want to jump.

Voice A - Liar. Look at your leg. Look

Me - No, I don't want too.

Voice A - (in an unusually fierce voice) LOOK - DO IT NOW.

Me - {looking....whispering} yeah, I see it

Voice A - why would it say "jump" if you weren't thinking about it?

Me - Look, I didn't know what I was doing. I just did it. It doesn't mean anything.

Voice A - yes it does, you need to think more about this.

Me - {whispering} I can't

Voice A - yes you can. Just trust.

Voice B - {interrupting Loudly} HEY, what is going on here? Don't tell her to trust. That's preposterous. Remember what happened last time she tried that?

Voice A - just be quiet, B. Not everyone is like that.

Voice B - sure, okay. So she's just supposed to jump and trust God to catch her?

Voice A - Yes

Voice B - sure, just like He "caught" her when she was 12.

Voice A - yes, He did. It could have been worse you know.

Voice B - don't give me that "could have been worse" or "there's a purpose in everything" or "bad things happen to good people" crap. Heard it all before.

Me - hey you two, quiet down I need to work.

Voice B - yeah you work. Just stop thinking about all this and go back to what you are supposed to be doing. Just forget about all this trust nonsense.

Voice A - no.........don't. Don't ignore this. Don't numb out...... {voice fades as "Me" shoves her back out of my way}


1 comment:

Tina said...

That is one interesting conversation... It seems like you have been hiding behind Voice B for a long time, yet your heart wants to come out of the darkness and BE voice A. I think you can do it...you just need to jump. And, I think you can do it.