Thursday, April 26, 2007

Need to Cry

I need to cry but I can't. I leaked a few tears yesterday in the orthodontist's office but that was just because of the pain. I wanted to cry in the car driving to the store to get clothes, but I was driving so I couldn't. Wanted to cry in the shower at the YMCA but too many people around. I wanted to cry when J told me what the ob said in the written letter, which differed from what he had told me, but I couldn't (public place and all). Wanted to cry in Doc's office when he was telling me opposite of what others had told me, but I couldn't - not in front of him. So I let the anger take over. Wanted to cry in the car on the drive to pick up DD, but I was driving and then she was with me. Wanted to cry when I stopped by the coffee shop to get a smoothie for supper and DD kept wanting to share her cookie and I couldn't eat it. But it was a public place and DD was there. Wanted to cry at church, but couldn't - too many people. Wanted to cry at home when DH gave me a big hug, but DD was yelling from other room. By that time the tears had turned to anger and frustration. I planned to get in the shower and cry, but I cut instead. DH won't ask about that - but he would about the crying and I just had fought it back all day and was too tired to deal with things. So I took the easy way out. Cut, pain meds for the jaw and bed.

I want to cry today but I'm at work and can't. And I have a dinner tonight and a guest staying at my house tonight so no crying later. I want to just go home for a few hours and nap and cry - but the razors are there and that's not safe right now. So I'll just sit here at work and try to be productive instead.


Tina said...

I am so sorry this is happening to you - just seems more and more crap gets piled upon you all at one time, and you can't escape to cry.

Please, if you need to cry and you can break free, call me at home tonight - I'll be around after 7:30-ish. You really DO need to cry - you need it.

Lynn said...

Sometimes, when I am trapped like that, I get in the car by myself and go park somewhere to cry. It makes things so hard when there are times of little privacy. Keep that rubber band handy, Enola. After what happened recently with me, I will do the same. You have my email if you get in a bind.

I wish things didn't have to be so hard.