Tuesday, April 17, 2007

No Trouble Naming Emotions Tonight

I'm mad ! Pissed ! Angry ! Irate ! Aggravated ! UGH And for once I am (gasp) (1) actually feeling something; (2) KNOW what I'm feeling; and (3) can actually NAME it.

I had T appt today. It was very interesting and informative. Looked at where in the brain the anxiety is coming from and how to deal with that. Talked about adding some vitamin supplements. All well and good. I need to go back and read some of it, since science was never my strong point and a lot is Greek to me. I was always quite satisfied with having a brain - had no desire or need to know how it worked or why - LOL.

So I was driving home and I got so mad. This process is long and hard, and frankly, I am pissed off that I am having to do this. I'm having to take time away from my family, my work, my friends, my walk with God, my Self -- to deal with this shit. I have to go to doctors to figure out meds, adjust my diet, adjust my way of life. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be enjoying myself. I should be waking up each morning thanking God for the day ahead, not praying for the strength to make it through without carving my legs up. I should be snuggling with my daughter, not curled up on my bed in a ball trying to survive a panic attack. I should be enjoying intimacy with my husband, not flinching every time he touches me. I should be advancing at work, instead of watching my numbers become worse and worse each month and fearful about job repercussions.

I'm mad as hell - and for the first time I started out being mad at the right person - not me, but him -- Toilet -- that asshole stole my child hood. And now I feel like he is stealing my adulthood too. Because I'm having to spend so much damn time dealing with the shit he created.

I'm mad at my mom too. How dare she make this worse? If she had just acted like a mother, this would have been so much easier. I tried to explain to mom once a long time ago how I felt my life was being consumed by dealing with this, and got cut off. She told me, "Well it's only doing that if you let it." Well, F**K you. I'm not LETTING anything happen. I don't WANT to be like this. Saying to just stop "letting it affect me" is bullshit. If it were that easy, I'd have been done therapy before I started. No one wants to be abused. But frankly, some days dealing with the after-effects of the abuse is far worse than the actual abuse was. And somedays going back and reliving the abuse seems preferable than living with the afteraffects, and especially with my mom's betrayal.

So I'm mad and sad (how's that for labelling feelings? I'm on a roll tonight). The feeling of wanting to hit something or throw something has passed. Now I just want to cry. Curl up and cry. And that makes me mad and sad too. That I've "let" this get to me. Enough to make tears come down my face - damn it I hate crying. And I hate letting "him" make me cry.

So I went from mad and sad to mad again. Mad at myself for being sad. And conflicted. Feeling all these emotions is supposed to be a good thing. I'm supposed to "let them out" or whatever. Not bottle them up. But letting them out makes me panicky, which isn't a good thing because being panicky makes the SI urge worse. And it's such a damn vicious circle I'm getting dizzy. Someone stop this spin cycle - I want OUT.


rindy said...

Once the feelings are let out, they all explode...good and bad. They are extreme and hard to handle. The good is so good you don't want it to end and the bad, well, it's bad. they will begin to moderate and you will be able to handle them. Hang in there...am praying for you

Lynn said...

Rindy's right, Enola. Hang on. This too shall pass. I understand your anger and feelings of betrayal. When I started having the dreams again in my twenties, I called my mother for help. I asked her if she thought that my father would do anything like that to me and she told me that I should be ashamed of myself. I guess she didn't know that I already was? I don't think she cared. I think she was only interested in protecting herself by keeping secrets. I still don't have all of my information.

All of us who have been through trauma are going to eventually have the emotions and that is healing. You are in my thoughts, Enola. I'm keeping good energy for you there. I'm holding out hope for the very best for you.

Tina said...

You are finally allowing yourself to feel - and direct your anger at the right person. You are doing a wonderful job!

I know you want to get off this ride - but, you will soon enough. Feeling what you are feeling is that first peak on the rollercoaster...it will get better from here.

Will be praying and thinking of you!