Monday, April 16, 2007

Not a Good Weekend

Let me start out by saying that I have taken steps to keep myself safe for the moment. With that said - this weekend sucked. Actually all of last week was bad. I wasn't taking my meds or eating like I needed too. So I know that contributed.

Awhile back J asked me to promise two things. First, to not use any other SI methods except pinning. Second, not to do it so as to cause bleeding. I promised the first but told her I couldn't the second. I take my word seriously and don't promise things that I don't intend to keep. Which is why I wouldn't promise the second request.

I thought I could keep my word on the first. For years I have done nothing but pin. I've not had the urge to do anything else. I had no intent of doing anything else. I said yes right way, intending to keep that promise. I broke my word. I didn't intend too. It just kind of happened.
I never wanted to be on medication. But things got too bad and I reluctantly gave in. When I went to the doctor recently I was almost hoping there would be some answer - my thyroid was off, sugar levels off, or whatever. Some medical answer as to why I was feeling panic symptoms. Something that would explain anxiety/PAs without it being "me" and my "mental baggage." That wasn't the case and I was disappointed.

Then I go to the ob/gyn and find out that I can conceive on this medication. I'm happy - that is what I wanted.

Then J and I talked and while I'm positive I do not understand all of what she said, I think the jist of it is that my norepinephrine levels may be high. So we adjust some meds to fix that, I think? In any event, it actually is something in my brain chemistry. So there is a medical answer, other than just my "mental baggage."

So I've got all I want — only to find out I don't want it anymore. I feel pressure to ttc now. I don't want that. Now not only do I have mental/background issue crap to deal with, but some hormonal/chemical imbalance too. In a nutshell, I'm messed up all around and every which way.

It's too much - I can't handle dealing with my past, the anxiety, the depression, can't focus at work, managing meds, managing eating, managing life. It's too overwhelming and I just want to crawl into bed and wake up when it is all better.

I went to the pharmacy after work Friday. I needed to pick up a snack to take on my girls night out. I was really panicky but didn't want to take a xanax and be zoned during the drive home or during my night out (or too tired) so I just walked around the store for awhile looking at their buy one-get one deals – trying to walk off the panic, because I didn't want to drive just yet. Found some stuff I needed. Walked by the shaving cream/razors aisle and was debating disposables or sucking it up and buying a good one and then just getting replacement blades. Their razors (the expensive ones) are behind these plastic overhangs that you have to lift up. I was looking and found myself starting at a box of disposable razors - straight edge/double blade razors. I picked it up and looked at it. Stared at it. Then this electronic beep sounds and this voice says something about "shopping at [store]." So I feel like everyone is now staring at me and I move on, carrying the box with me. I check out. I drive home in a total fog.

I get home and am going to shower so I can shave my legs and wear capris out. As I am getting ready to get in the shower I look at the box of razors. I stare at it. I open it. These things are flimsy. They look like plastic. I figure it has to be the cover of the box and pick it up. I don't realize it is the razor until I realize my finger is bleeding. I press my finger tip to it and it doesn't feel real sharp but it cuts quickly.

So I stood there staring at my legs. I thought, well I will try it - it will hurt like hell and the blood will cause me to feel faint and that will be the end of it. Instead of panicking over trying to fight this urge off - let's just do it, it won't work and it will be done. So I do - only my legs. Four times. It doesn't hurt. It does bleed but I'm fine with it. But the calmness is intense - way more than with pinning. I shower and get out and clean and bandage my leg.

Then I break down crying. Not because of doing it - because I'm not sorry I did it. But because it wasn't a bad experience. It felt good - it was a total calming experience. It was better than pinning. And that scared me.

I did it again Saturday - bad that time. More than once Saturday. And again Sunday too. It's out of control.

It took me 15 times, but I did finally send J an email about it - late late Sat night.
Then ironically my DH, DD & I sit down to eat lunch and see J at the restaurant. Guess God's timing is good sometimes. She had ready my email. So we met for coffee late yesterday.

Then I came home and talked to DH a lot. Told him what was going on - he had no idea. I told him he couldn't ask questions but I needed him to do something for me. I went in and grabbed our gun safe keys and the one unlocked gun we kept in the closet and handed them to him. Told him to go put them somewhere else; somewhere I wouldn't find them. He handled that pretty good. So I told him about the SI. He handled that okay until he saw my leg. I think the marks weren't so shocking as the words were. Course who expects their wife to be carving ugly words in their skin?

So DH wanted to do something to keep me safe. I think he wanted to be the "policeman." He asked me for my razor but I wouldn't give it to him. He wanted me to tell him when I did it but I told him "No" on that too. I can't have DH being the enforcer. I'd resent him. Right now I'm tracking my anxiety, depression, eating, SI-ing, meds and panic attacks. I sent it regularly to J. I get resentful when pushed. J pushes and I do get resentful, just a little bit. But I know she has my best interests at heart, and by the time I see her again, I'm well over it. With DH, I'd not get over it - because he can be selfish at times and push for his good, not mine. And because I'd have to live with him. So it's best that he back off and let me work on this with J. We'll see how he does on that. I do feel relief that I told him though.

So I'm at work. Have taken my meds as agreed. Have eaten fairly well. And no SI. 1/2 day down, a zillion more to go.......

1 comment:

Tina said...

Oh, sweetie. I wish you would call me when you have times like this. I might not totally understand how you feel right then and there, but I could certainly try to help you through it...listen.

I am glad you told DH - I think that is a good sign that you trust him, even if he can be selfish from time to time. But, it is also a good sign for him that you are willing to open up to him, let him know where you are and what you need. I hope that he will respect the fact that you don't want him to be the policeman right now - he needs to be your partner in this, not your crossing guard.