Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Remember that Tightrope ......

That tightrope I wrote about earlier ---- it's swaying wildly in the wind now. Bad panic attack. Very dizzy, seeing spots, everything blurry and spinning. Not sure what caused it. I was just walking down the hall when BAM. I have slightly more sugar than usual and not a lot of anything else today -- smoothie for breakfast (natural sugar); coffee (black - with sugar free hot chocolate mix in it); jellybeans for snack; kit kat blizzard from Dairy Queen for lunch (hey, I'm PMS-ing, leave me alone - I needed chocolate) and about 2 sips of a Pepsi when I took my xanax about 15 minutes ago. I have drunk my usual amount of water - about 36 oz so far today. I do have a orthodontist appt coming up. That's always good for a panic attack as I assume the "turtle on my back" position with men in masks leaning over me (shudder). So it could be any number of things.

So distraction technique, right? Hmm, writing here counts, I think. Let's see, I just received an email from a friend who had her first therapy session today to address her own childhood SA for the first time. She said it was tough. But she seemed upbeat about having started the process. I was very supportive and encouraging. Although part of me wanted to yell "RUN NOW - before it is too late and you get sucked into this process." She does know that I've been going for 1 year now. She wanted to know if it would take her that long too. Ha, little does she know. I didn't tell her what I had found out about the timing on this mess. Wouldn't want to deprive her of the fun and shock of finding out for herself (insert sarcasm smiley here). Seriously, she was given the same book I had been given awhile back. The Wounded Heart - great book (link on side of main blog page) and workbook. I told her I had read it and offered to discuss it with her if she wants. Would be good, I think, to talk in person with another survivor - not that I don't love all my online friends, but a real life survivor friend might be good for me. But I don't want to overwhelm her either since she is just starting this process.

Second half of xanax coming up. Cheers (holds glass up). I'm going to have to get DH to cut some more of my xanax up. Because you know what is in a pill cutter ----- a razor!

La da di da di da - I'm outta things to say. No one is on yahoo IM, MSN isn't working, and my stupid hotmail email account won't open. I ~could~ call someone......well not really. I mean that's just not me. Second half of xanax not working........

So I'm feeling the urge -
how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? the panic will end; I'll feel better now; worse late

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? calm, peace, temporary control --- take away, pride in resisting??? I don't know really what it will take away. Something maybe?

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to stop feeling this way. If I knew how to do that, I'd do it.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? through the dentist appt; then I'll come back and be busy, but the appt will be over and I'll be okay

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation I'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? I've already taken the xanax - twice, and written, and walked around, and gotten a drink. And tried deep breathing. It's not working

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? guilty maybe - but I've tried everything else

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? I really want to cut. But I think I can limit it to pinning - I don't have a choice since it's the only thing here. I don't know what happened to my self-protective instinct, I think it's dead.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? dentist appt, I think

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? loaded up on xanax, took a book and deep breaths, SI-ed before or after appt

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? see above

How do I feel right now? panicky, dizzy, but ironically a sense of calmness as I think about SI

How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Calm and peaceful

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? calm and peaceful, ready to face appt -- tomorrow, guilty and weak

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? can't avoid the ortho appts

Do I need to hurt myself? yes, I think


Lynn said...

Hold on, Enola, and just do the best that you can. I know. It's so hard. I have tried alternatives and sometimes they work. Depends on the reason for the urge, I think. Can you get a handful of ice and rub it on your face, neck or tummy? How about a rubber band on your wrist that you can snap? I hope you don't mind that I have said these things.

Enola said...

Lynn - thanks for the suggestions. I've heard others say that too. I think the ice might work - running cold water over my wrists helps a lot.

Never thought of the rubber band. How come those things are better? Not being stupid - but I am not sure I totally understand it. I mean I know they are not permanently damaging but they are causing harm/injury to self. is the difference really just the amount of harm?

Lynn said...

In the case of the rubber band, I think it IS about the amount of harm, but the way I've been feeling, I'll take any improvement I can get.

I had a freaky thing happen. Some workmen were recently at my house and left behind some large razor blades. I got really scared when I saw that and I had to ask my husband to collect them all and get them out of here. I didn't think I was going to do anything with them, but I got so afraid when I noticed them. My anxiety problems are bothering me pretty bad right now. I just want to feel safe. Just for a change, you know?

There's one more thing that I know about to get rid of the urge. Cold showers are good. Especially if you wash your hair in there.

Have you ever tried chamomile tea? Sometimes it gives that little extra bit of help with the anxiety.