I have been so tired the last few days. DH took DD morning duty and let me sleep in. I also took a 3 hour nap this afternoon. I'm not always sleeping when I say I'm napping. A lot of the time I'm just lying there thinking about things. Just "be-ing" and sorting through things.
I post on one board where people suffer from panic attacks. Only one other SA survivor, that I know of, posts there. I post on another board solely for SA survivors. I was thinking about the differences in their perspectives regarding suicide and death. On the PA forum, people fear death. They panic over leaving their spouses or children behind. They panic over going away, travelling, leaving home. On the SA site, most people don't fear death. Some have attempted suicide. Almost all have thought about it - contemplated it. Maybe it is because SA is such a horrible thing -- so bad that death isn't scary when considered in comparison. Or maybe it is because the pain with SA is so bad that sometimes death seems like the only option.
I was very jittery today. When I sleep in, I usually don't get up and take my medication. So I didn't get my lexapro until almost 10 am. Maybe that is why? I really had no desire to do anything except lie around all day. Couldn't get up the energy to do much at all - even play with DD. Today I just wanted to crawl under and stay under the covers and never wake up. I didn't have the energy to do anything more than breathe.
DH was great in occupying and playing with DD. But, as usual, the parenting stuff fell to me. He wanted to go to a store 45 minutes away to buy shoes - because in the same shopping center is a hunting store. He doesn't think that it is close to meal time. Doesn't think of packing a change of clothes for DD in case she has an accident. We get home and he is great about playing with her and letting me nap. Doesn't think of getting her a snack. Doesn't think of feeding her dinner, bathing her, disciplining her, making her clean up one mess before making another - none of that stuff. I feel like I can't complain too much, because he is so good about keeping DD occupied while I sleep, panic, recover from panicking, etc.
Once again I am tired of dealing with this. I have no motivation - not at work, not at home, not with anything. All my energy goes into existing. Into trying not to put myself in panicky situations. In surviving when I end up in them. Eighteen months ago I could get up, hang out with my family, laugh, shop all day, run a house, and everything. I didn't freak out by everything - wasn't triggered by every little stupid thing -- like DH's feet hitting mine, someone chomping gum and other stupid things. I really want to go back to those days sometimes.
I have had a lot of alone time over the past few days. I so often use my busyness and hectic schedule as an excuse for not really dealing with things. I tell myself that I will let myself cry when I have time; punch a pillow or get angry when I have time; sort through certain thoughts, when I have time. I've had time recently. I've learned you can't schedule emotions. Can't schedule crying. Can't schedule "be-ing"