Wednesday, April 4, 2007

She's Gone

Whew! Big sigh of relief. Mom is gone. I feel like a huge weight is gone off my shoulders. Last night we made a campfire out back and roasted hot dogs and marshmallows. That kept us all occupied enough. After we put the kids to bed, Mom, Sister and I had a few more drinks (about 2 each) which helped. I hated myself for needing a drink to make it through but since it's only 1 or so times a year, am not going to dwell on it. Besides I did limit myself to 2. We played Trivial Pursuit, watched TV and laughed. It was okay actually. Then to bed - that was awkward because Mom expects a hug and kiss before bed - I just avoided her.
This morning was really awkward. We all ate breakfast. Then Sister cut Mom's hair on the back porch while I did some inside clean up and kept an eye on the inside kids. I think Mom thought I was ignoring her, but really I was cleaning and watching the kids. Sister and I had made a deal that kids were never to be left alone with Mom. After I was done cleaning, we all went outside and hung out. I wasn't really ignoring mom but wasn't interacting with her much either. Got pretty panicky about 10 am and told DH to keep an eye on DD and went into her room for 5 minutes to lie down. Then Mom went our front to smoke a cigarette and I could hear her on her new Nextel phone (walkie talkie like) talking to Toilet. I could hear his voice too. That totally flipped me into a panic. Sister found me in her bathroom getting sick. I think I dissociated for awhile because she says I was in there about 20 minutes. She came in and just grabbed my hands and prayed with me. It was really nice - she didn't try to analyze what was going on or solve it or anything (like DH would have). She didn't even ask much about what was causing it. When I told her later, she said that if she had known she would have gone and said something to mom.
After lunch, I took DD in her room to lie her down for a nap/rest. Mom and Sister cleaned up lunch and Mom said she was going to leave because "she couldn't do anything right" and that she could tell "that [I] was at the end of [my] rope" and she "didn't know what to say" and other things. Sister told her that everything was fine. Sister could tell I was starting to feel a bit guilty and told me to "knock it off" - that I had treated mom more than fairly and nicely and that Sister didn't see me acting any differently than "normal."
So anyway, I did give mom a hug when she left and she said "thank you for inviting me" and that was it. She's gone. Big sigh of relief. I'm exhausted now and think I'm going to go lie down or something.

All in all the visit was okay - I survived, even if it did take a few more xanax than usual, a few drinks and a few incidents of pinning. Done with the requisite "mom visit" for another 3-4 months anyway.

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