Friday, April 13, 2007

Shot by the Trigger Gun

It got me last night. I was expecting it. I was not prepared for how bad it would be. I haven't been eating well. I haven't been taking my xanax regularly and have been avoiding taking it at all except when needed for sleep at night. I haven't been sleeping well either. I have been exposed (some through my own doing and some not) to triggering situations more frequently lately. I know better than to do this to myself, to allow this to continue, but I feel stuck in this downward spiral and can't find enough energy to make it stop.

Wednesday I was anxious all day. Panicky off and on. Didn't take the xanax all day - not until I went to bed at midnight, and found myself still awake at 1:30 am with racing thoughts. I took one then.

Yesterday (Thursday) I was anxious and jittery all day. Pinned which helped me survive morning (somehow I thought that was better than xanax???). Convinced myself it was lack of food and did feel better after some lunch. Then came home.

DD wanted to walk up our street to feed the goats. We had a great walk. Laughed at the dog. Chased our shadows. Had fun. Then she wanted to play in the backyard on her new swingset. So we did that too. I had eaten way too much pizza for supper (another bad tendency is to skip food all day and then eat WAY too much at supper) and it wasn't sitting great on my stomach with all the running around. She wanted to play hide and seek - her favorite game. She really gets into it with DH. I usually don't play much. But DH was gone so I agreed. She hid first. I thought she was behind our line of trees but wasn't sure. Walked up and looked all around and didn't see her. Then she jumped out from underneath one and scared me to death. My turn to hide, and stupidly, I chose to hide in the corner of our two fences with the sandbox lid propped up blocking me from view. Too tight and dark. The dog thought I was a wild animal and was barking - DD thought that was funny. We went inside soon after and I ran DD some bath water. Couldn't hear much over running water, so she snuck up behind me and scared me again. She now thinks it is quite funny to scare Mommy and watch me jump a mile high.

I immediately panicked. I put her in the bathtub - she's old enough to play in there for a few moments by herself. I went into the adjacent room to lie down. Could hear her splashing and talking to herself and would periodically yell out to make sure she was okay.

It was the worst and scariest attack ever. My heart felt like it was going to explode but when I took my pulse it was normal. At one point I really thought about going to the hospital because the chest pains were so bad. But I knew there wasn't anything wrong and I'd just be laughed at. Plus I couldn't move. I was worried about DD in the bath by herself, even though I could hear her and knew she was fine. But I couldn't move. I got sick and used every fiber of my being not to collapse/pass out/sleep. I started thinking horrible thoughts about passing out and DD drowning. Those runaway thoughts actually helped in a weird way - I was so busy obsessing about those thoughts, that I didn't focus on my dizziness, nausea, racing heart, lack of breath, etc. So I began to unknowingly breathe deeper and calm down. Finally, when DD was quiet I was able to pull myself up and go get her out. Got her to bed and collapsed on the couch.

So you'd think that I'd wake up this morning and take the xanax at the first sign of panic. Nope. They are right here in my purse beside my computer. I did get up and work out super hard. Did drink a fruit smoothie with my coffee. And did pick up a sandwich for later when I picked up coffee - so I will eat some lunch today. I wish I had an answer to why I'm doing this to myself...but I don't. Just being stupid I guess.


Tina said...


I don't think you are being stupid at all - in a way, I think you are trying to push the limits, see how far you can go and try to get yourself out without the medication. And, that is okay up to a point - and I think you have reached that point now and need to use your Xanex more and try again in a couple of weeks.

I did the same thing as you - trying to use the Xanax only at night and not when the attacks creeped in earlier, and I had the similar reactions as you did until I could try it again. It took me 2-3 attempts to do it, but now I rarely am taking the Xanax now.

Give yourself a little more time and try again later. It is okay to take your meds. You are not a failure. You are not a loser for taking it. You are being proactive in trying to overcome this - and setbacks are to be expected.

I hope you can take better care of yourself...and maybe start cutting back on the caffeine a little bit (slowly!)?

You know where to reach me if you need to talk. You shouldn't go through this alone.

jewellybeano said...

Yes, the Hendersonville is the NC on. I will be heading back up Sunday to stay for a week. I will sew some more while I am there.

Refugee said...

Enola, I understand. It's all just so difficult. I haven't slept well for quite some time. Last night was especially bad and to top it all I have procrastinated my taxes and here I sit on the internet. I've not eaten, but I've had coffee. It cleared the thoughts of this morning's bad dreams, so I guess I will finally start getting things prepared.

You're not being stupid, Enola. You're just doing the best that you can.