Thursday, April 5, 2007

Thoughts of Suicide

Another blog I read called Experiencing the Journey, had a great April 5th post - where she talked about Christians and suicide. I almost didn't read it. It's a subject I try not to dwell on. Especially the question about whether Christians who commit suicide go to heaven. But while curiosity may have killed the cat, it only fuels my fire. So I followed her link to an article - which suggests that Christians who do commit suicide are not condemned to hell. Not sure how I feel about that - I think I wanted to and needed to hold onto the belief that suicide = hell.

Rindy writes, "Suicide may not mean that someone wants to die, it may mean they no longer have the strength or endurance to live. They pray, they seek help, they talk to others, they do all “the right things”, but the thoughts remain. Fortunately, most don’t act on their thoughts. However, too many are struggling and suffering because we’re too embarrassed to tell, but also too embarrassed to even talk about it. Things are not going to change by ignoring them."

That is SUCH a profound statement. I've never heard it put that way before. Her statement about being embarrassed to talk about it and tell is true too. It's a huge source of shame to me. I'm thought of as the strong one. The "has it all-together" one. The "can handle anything" one. But I'm going to accept the challenge and put it all out here.

I am NOT the strong person people see on the outside. I do not have it all together. I can not do everything, or somedays, anything at all. I'm hanging on by a finger nail. I think of suicide often. I don't like to think of it as "suicide" - I prefer a kindler, gentler version of "prompting an accident" - accidentally running off the road into a bridge column, accidentally taking too many meds, accidentally something........ Like the quote said, it's not that I want to die. I love my husband, my daughter, and most parts of my life too much for that. It's that I, all too often, don't feel like I have the strength to take one more step, one more breath or go on one more minute. It's when the weight of the world is pressing in all to hard on me.

This blog, the online sites I visit and the other blogs I frequent are great sources of strength. The comments I read on my posts here, my friends, family and support system keep me going. And some days, my faith does too. The footprints poem says God carries you when you can go no further. I think God sends others too. When I've been down, so far down that I just don't think I can go one more inch, there have been people that have called, written or posts I've read - just at the right moment - that keep me going. A friend told me one time that there are no such thing as coincidences - rather "Coincidences are those occasion's when God chooses to remain anonymous." I think that is true.

I'm glad Rindy found the guts to address this serious issue. I've got my own work to do with respect to it. But I'm thankful that God has sent people into my life to help me too. I know I will continue to struggle.


Tina said...

That is quite a profound post - thank you for sharing it.

I do agree - "Suicide may not mean that someone wants to die, it may mean they no longer have the strength or endurance to live." I also think suicide may mean a peace from what troubles us. We go out trying to find peace from our troubles, but it is only through really looking within and working hard on addressing what has hurt us that we finally find that peace.

I have never thought that people who have committed suicide went to purgatory or worse - I have always throught that God was a caring God and would help them resolve their problems after He meets them in Heaven. But, that is just my belief.

I would be lying if I didn't admit there were times in the past year where "an accident" didn't cross my mind - there were times where I thought the weight of my issues were just too much for me to carry. But, the biggest thing that always stopped those thoughts for me was Chris. And, I think that is because he is the embodiment of what I have longed for - a child. How could I do that to him, after all I wanted was another child?

I think it is wonderful you can admit your thoughts here - share them with us, whom are here to help you through it.

OTL said...


I came to your blog through another recovery site I was reading and bookmarked you sometime ago. But I am so glad to be reading your thoughts and knowing there are people who think and feel the same or have gone through similar experiences. Although I've been a writer for a while, I never thought I would ever write about myself and the things I went through and now I find people everywhere who are brave and true and human and dignified over what has to be done in order to move from being a victim--to really claim survivorhood. It's only now that I am even beginning to deal with my own traumatic past. It's hard on some days, and easier on others. What I wanted to share on this topic is the surprise people seem to have when they learn i am "still depressed" since the abuse happened to me so long ago.

Enola said...

OTL - if I had a quarter for every time someone told me "it was a long time ago, get over it;" "move on;" "forgive and forget" - I'd be rich. I know that abuse is something you never get over. I am glad you are beginning to deal with your past. I have found great support on the "After Silence" board (link on the right side of blog) where lots of other survivors post. (((((safe hugs to you))))))