Friday, April 20, 2007

Tug of War

I have fallen in love with this blog - Spilling Ink - http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/ . It is gut-wrenchingly honest and the author has a fabulous way with words. Today's post hit home. Not just because I'm a Pepsi drinker myself (yum) but because I have the same up/down issues. The anti-anxiety meds make me sleepy -- the Pepsi keeps me up. It's a vicious cycle. I fight taking the anti-anxiety meds, except at night when I crave them, need them, so that I can sleep without the nightmares. I find it difficult to pray during the day, but every night before bed I find myself pleading to God to help me sleep and make it through the night without a horrible dream.

EDITED TO ADD - Check out the Spilling Ink "Fence Sitting" posts - http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/search/label/Fence-sitting - they are awesome. So well written. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment. I am a fence sitter and the blog author amazingly describes exactly how I feel.

Tug of War -
I find myself in a tug of war with the SI. Today I fought against it all day. It took all my energy - just sucked the energy out of me. I was so exhausted. I came home and just collapsed into bed. I wanted to SI so bad but I made a deal with myself that I would try to nap first. I fell asleep immediately and slept 2 hours. No nightmares, no panicky feelings, no racing thoughts, no repeating words/sounds. Just blissful sleep. I woke up to my husband and daughter coming home. I had told DH I would have dinner ready when he got home. He was not at all upset, disappointed or anything - it was just my feelings. Then we took a walk and hung out in the back yard. DD wanted to play Hide & Seek and I had to tell her no. Then I was anxious about the fact that I can't do that with her. I exert so much energy trying not to SI, when afterwards I am so calm, relaxed and feeling good. That makes it so hard to fight the urges.

2 comments:

Lynn said...

Thank you, Enola, for saying such nice things about my blog. I love yours as well. It's hard (and scary) to be honest, but at some point it just becomes too hard to remain silent.

I'm glad you got some decent rest. Sometimes a nap helps me, too. Especially when it turns out to be a peaceful one.

Lynn said...

Hi, Enola. I'm glad you like the Fence Sitting posts. I may be adding to that series this coming week. I hope the weekend was good to you. I wish you the best for the coming week.