I have fallen in love with this blog - Spilling Ink - http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/ . It is gut-wrenchingly honest and the author has a fabulous way with words. Today's post hit home. Not just because I'm a Pepsi drinker myself (yum) but because I have the same up/down issues. The anti-anxiety meds make me sleepy -- the Pepsi keeps me up. It's a vicious cycle. I fight taking the anti-anxiety meds, except at night when I crave them, need them, so that I can sleep without the nightmares. I find it difficult to pray during the day, but every night before bed I find myself pleading to God to help me sleep and make it through the night without a horrible dream.
EDITED TO ADD - Check out the Spilling Ink "Fence Sitting" posts - http://spillinginkinpublic.blogspot.com/search/label/Fence-sitting - they are awesome. So well written. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment. I am a fence sitter and the blog author amazingly describes exactly how I feel.
Tug of War -
I find myself in a tug of war with the SI. Today I fought against it all day. It took all my energy - just sucked the energy out of me. I was so exhausted. I came home and just collapsed into bed. I wanted to SI so bad but I made a deal with myself that I would try to nap first. I fell asleep immediately and slept 2 hours. No nightmares, no panicky feelings, no racing thoughts, no repeating words/sounds. Just blissful sleep. I woke up to my husband and daughter coming home. I had told DH I would have dinner ready when he got home. He was not at all upset, disappointed or anything - it was just my feelings. Then we took a walk and hung out in the back yard. DD wanted to play Hide & Seek and I had to tell her no. Then I was anxious about the fact that I can't do that with her. I exert so much energy trying not to SI, when afterwards I am so calm, relaxed and feeling good. That makes it so hard to fight the urges.