Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Walking the Tightrope

Frozen in fear - inch one way, scoot another. Back and forth. Slowly. Holding my breath with each agonizing movement. Afraid that going too far or too fast will cause me to slip and tumble, head first, into that black deep pit below. At one end of this tightrope are emotions - all of them. Waiting to be experienced, acknowledged and even enjoyed. But to get there I have to go around the panic and anxiety and fear that the emotions cause. On the other end of the tightrope is numbness, blissful numbness. But to get there I have to shed pieces of myself along the way so that by the time I reach the platform at the end, I am no one.

Today I am about 2 steps over toward the emotional side. It was an agonizingly slow process to get here. Days of minuscule movements. At times I fell off the rope, dangling by a fingernail, over the abyss below. I've wanted to let go. Let the darkness take over. The pit is deep with many levels. Self-hatred, self-injury, and if you plunge all the way down, death.

I'm edgy, anxious and panicky. I've given up standing straight and am sitting on the rope, legs locked around it, fingers gripped tightly. Trying to stay here, resist the urge to back up into the safety zone - the middle area.

3 comments:

Tina said...

I am not sure you can go back to that middle area any more. You have made a very positive step to the emotional side: You have finally let yourself be angry for what happened to you, and angry at the right people who allowed it to happen. Numbness is what Toilet wants you to feel - feel nothing. But, you are experiencing the emotions that he fears - and you are gaining the power back. You aren't going to need that safety zone much longer because you are beginning to own yourself.

Lynn said...

You're doing great, Enola. Sometimes I get angry, too. I have every right to. It takes the fear down, too, when I allow myself to acknowledge the anger.

Lynn said...

Enola, your tightrope reminds me of my 'fence'. On one side is the meadow (emotions), and on the other side is a barren wasteland (numbness). I'm afraid of wandering too far off into the wasteland. It feels like death. Sitting on the fence is my middle place. I wish I could live in the meadow and have that be okay. I wish we both could. Maybe we eventually will. It's nice to have hope.