Friday, April 6, 2007

WHY?

I post on a board for survivors of sexual abuse and rape. I go there because I don't have to explain myself. I can be anonymous. I don't have to be the mom, the wife, the professional, the smart one, the "I have it all together" person, or any of those other roles. I go there because I can stop mid-sentence and no one questions it - often they can fill in the ending for me. I can talk about the pinning, the panic attacks, the thoughts of dying, the struggles with people that have been there and know what I'm talking about. I can go there and say that I feel sucky, panicky, jittery or whatever without having to explain why or even KNOW why. I am not judged for being down for several days in a row and not "snapping out of it." I have bonded with some of these survivors - even though I've never met them. We commisterate with each other, rant and rave together, cry together, laugh together.
DH and my Sister don't get it. DH doesn't have real life friends - not many anyway. But he doesn't need them. Doesn't seem to miss it or crave it or want it. Sister has a ton of friends. Has always made friends easily. Is very open with people. I'm not either of them. I don't have close real life friends. I don't open up to people easily. Online I can be my true self. Can share things - much easier since I can write those things I find myself unable to verbalize. Don't have to look at people when I say things. In any event, these people have become friends. Real friends even though I've not met them - although I have met up with several from some other sites.
The first rule of this one site is to keep yourself safe. That means not visiting the site when you are in a bad place. Avoiding certain posts. Labelling posts as "triggers" if they might trigger someone else. I do pretty good with that most days. But there are certain posters that I feel close too and keep up with. Read their posts - even if it might make me upset or trigger.
Anyway, one poster wrote today that she was raped ----- again. Earlier this week. She blames herself. For trusting. For walking home with someone she knew and thought she could trust. Her post made all the emotions I have bottled up inside come to the surface. WHY? Why her? Again? Wasn't once enough? She mentions a statistic that one in three women are victims. She was already one of those three. She says maybe that's why it happened. Because it didn't matter - she didn't count. Or maybe, she saved someone else from becoming one of those three.
I don't understand. I just don't get it. I want to yell and scream for this person I've never met, yet I consider a friend. But I can't - because DH is here and would consider me crazy for crying for someone I've never met - especially when I don't cry for myself.
This just sucks. This world sucks sometimes. I don't understand why these things happen. WHY? What is the freaking purpose? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why ever - why again?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I understand your feelings. No matter what the answer to 'why', it just isn't a good enough answer. It should never, ever happen. Not to anyone.

Tina said...

I am so sorry to hear what happened... She will be in my prayers.

I don't understand this world either sometimes...and I worry about what the future holds for our children. :(