I survived writing it all down, and have resisted the huge urge to delete it all, close down my blog and drift into oblivion. I've mentioned "After Silence," the forum I visit and post on. I've read other posters' stories and what they've written about how it made them feel, as well as some of the comments y'all have written on my posts here. Apparently, while it sucks now, it will get better. I'm waiting for that feeling.
The hardest thing was writing this out first person. I have written out what happened before and used the first person words "I, me, mine." But it was as if I was writing about someone else and describing what had happened to someone else. This time was different. I never had a moment where I wasn't writing about me. And I was there. Re-living it.
I've heard people use the term "body memories" but didn't really understand what they meant. Body Memories are flashbacks where you do not just see what happened. Rather, you actually re-live it. See, hear, and Feel what happened. It's the feeling part that sucks. I wrote much of part 4 of my story with my eyes closed. Luckily I'm a fairly decent typist (and this blog site has spell-check!) I remembered some details that I haven't remembered before. I also was there. Prior to this, in my memories, flashbacks and even with EMDR, I was watching it happen. I was dissociated, floating in space over my right shoulder, watching. In writing this out, I was there. Actually present and there. The new perspective made me remember things - smells, sights, sounds, etc. Some of it was so clear. I know without a doubt that were you to put 5 car dashboards in front of me, that I could identify the one from my car - by sight and touch and smell. It was that real.
I absolutely love the title of the forum "After Silence." After all, that is where we need to live - in a world AFTER the silence. I think I took the first step over there. The first step off the raft or over the mid-point of the tightrope or off the fence - the step toward staying in the "after" realm. It was horribly long and painful to get here. I'm not sure how I know, but I do know that the pain is going to be worth it.
My task for today is to resist SI-ing. On the one hand, Husband has my Daughter at his folks and I have the entire house to myself. On the other hand, I am here alone with my thoughts, memories and free reign to SI. So I think I'll go run some errands and get out for awhile. Grocery shopping can even be enjoyable without a toddler tugging on your sleeve saying "Mommy I want that."