Sunday, May 27, 2007

Calling for a Time Out

I am feeling again. Two years ago I would have given my right hand to feel emotions again. Now the old adage rings true -- be careful what you wish for. I know that this healing is a process - a very LONG process, it seems.

I started out being very numb. I wore a mask appropriate to the situation. If I were "supposed to be" happy, I acted happy. Plastered a smile across my face. The only real emotion I could experience was anger - sometimes. And very infrequently - joy, and then usually with respect to my daughter. I decided that wasn't a good way to live life. The anger was hurting my marriage as well.

The good 'ol PTSD kicked in and I started being triggered more and more. I was remembering things that had been forgotten for so long. It was a real struggle. I overcame that hurdle and the anxiety kicked in. Panic attack after panic attack. It was interfering with my entire life. All I could feel was anxiety and panic. The new medication helped with that. Things were calm again. It wasn't numbness, per se. But a feeling of floating a bit. I felt relief and as if life had finally slowed down to a manageable level. Even the jaw surgery, work stress and other things weren't terrible. I was able to cope. I wanted time to stop and figure out this life without panic attacks for awhile.

Now the emotions have kicked in. Before I had time to adjust, I was overwhelmed by this whole "feeling" thing. I haven't felt emotions - unexpected, unplanned, spontaneous emotions, for as long as I can remember. In fact, I really can't remember it. Sometimes it's good - like laughing with friends last night. But then it can flip, like a light switch, and I'm angry or sad. I don't know how to "feel" emotions or to react. It's very overwhelming. And my coping skills....well, they aren't the most healthy.

I wish this was a sports game and I could call for a Time Out. I just need a break for awhile. And I'm trying hard not to stress about what is around the next corner waiting to jump on me in this seemingly never ending road to recovery.

1 comment:

Lynn said...

I know exactly how you 'feel', Enola. It sucks.