Sunday, May 6, 2007

Inner Turmoil

I don't know what is going on. I alternate between rage and sadness. I am so conflicted inside. I'm pushing everyone away and I know it, but can't do anything to stop it. Life is out of control. There are too many issues going on right now and I can't juggle all my responsibilities. I feel like I'm doing nothing right.

Those that care try to offer advice. They try to help. But everyone has different answers. I know that I am old enough and mature enough that I ought to be an adult about all of this. Take a deep breath and handle it. But I can't. I don't think people understand that I'm trying my best and my best is, unfortunately, not good enough for anyone right now. I feel like a failure. Like I'm disappointing everyone and not living up to anyone's expectations. I'm afraid everyone is going to leave.

I get mad too. Mad at myself mostly. For not being strong enough to handle this. For taking so long to deal with it. For not getting over it. But I get mad at others too - for not giving me time. For expecting too much out of me. For not understanding that I'm trying my best.

I don't know what to do anymore. Last weekend, when I took that medicine, I caught a glimpse of what things could be like. I loved it. But now I alternate between finding hope in last weekend - hope that if I keep working, it can be like that longer; and regret - regret that I caught a glimpse of something that I can't get back.

I feel like people are getting tired of dealing with me. I know my husband is at the end of his rope. He thought last weekend was the end. I've stopped telling everyone how I'm feeling because I think they are tired of hearing about it. I know I'm tired of it. I feel so alone. And I know that this, too, is my fault. Because I don't let anyone in. And because I don't ever completely deal with anything. It's the same damn things over and over and over again. So I try to deal with it all myself, and can't, and that's when I SI.

3 comments:

Lynn said...

"And because I don't ever completely deal with anything."

Enola, that's because it's SO HARD. I know what you're going through and I know that you are doing your best. You are in therapy and dealing with it at the pace that you can. You're doing it, Enola. You're doing it and your best is, it will be, good enough. Hang on, honey, you're not alone.

jewellybeano said...

I think healing is a journey, a real journey, and like any journey is will have hills to go up and down, sometimes you coast, and sometimes every single step makes you feel you cannot take another. But healing is a journey worth taking. It's worth every single bump in the road. I know sometimes it feels like your whole life has to stop, to center around your issues and your healing. It is during those times when guilt can take over, make you feel like your being selfish in your weakness. But during those times, I remind myself, that even though there may be days when my family doesn't have the "perfect mother", those days are a part of my journey, and in the end, they will be better off because I took the time to deal with my issues, so I can become stronger for them later.

I have days like you too, days where I feel like there is not one single area of my life where I am not failing someone in some way. Those days are the hardest for me. But then it seems to pass. I used to think I would get stuck that way, but after a while I learned to wait it out. That things do get better. I hate that sometimes in regards to healing from abuse, it sometimes feels like things get worse before they get better. I try to keep in mind that God heals what He reveals. So if something gets stirred up now, I try to give myself time to walk it out, let God work on me some more, and be patient with myself.
Let me go, before I write a book on your comment section.
Just know I am thinking of you.
Look forward to meeting you in a few weeks.

Tina said...

Hey,

I have to catch up with you to see what is happening... But, I know what you mean about things feeling like they are out of control and you feel like no one wants to hear aboutit anymore. I have been there, for reasons that are very different. It DOES get better - but, like you said, it takes time. And, even when that time has passed, there is still an ebb and flow of feelings that linger.

I trust that your DH will be more understanding in time - he is just frustrated too because 1) he can't wipe the hurt away from you and 2) you can't wipe away the hurt either.

Please know I am thinking about you always - even if I can't post to you here - and you can always call me if you need anything.

*Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs* *Hugs*