I don't know what is going on. I alternate between rage and sadness. I am so conflicted inside. I'm pushing everyone away and I know it, but can't do anything to stop it. Life is out of control. There are too many issues going on right now and I can't juggle all my responsibilities. I feel like I'm doing nothing right.
Those that care try to offer advice. They try to help. But everyone has different answers. I know that I am old enough and mature enough that I ought to be an adult about all of this. Take a deep breath and handle it. But I can't. I don't think people understand that I'm trying my best and my best is, unfortunately, not good enough for anyone right now. I feel like a failure. Like I'm disappointing everyone and not living up to anyone's expectations. I'm afraid everyone is going to leave.
I get mad too. Mad at myself mostly. For not being strong enough to handle this. For taking so long to deal with it. For not getting over it. But I get mad at others too - for not giving me time. For expecting too much out of me. For not understanding that I'm trying my best.
I don't know what to do anymore. Last weekend, when I took that medicine, I caught a glimpse of what things could be like. I loved it. But now I alternate between finding hope in last weekend - hope that if I keep working, it can be like that longer; and regret - regret that I caught a glimpse of something that I can't get back.
I feel like people are getting tired of dealing with me. I know my husband is at the end of his rope. He thought last weekend was the end. I've stopped telling everyone how I'm feeling because I think they are tired of hearing about it. I know I'm tired of it. I feel so alone. And I know that this, too, is my fault. Because I don't let anyone in. And because I don't ever completely deal with anything. It's the same damn things over and over and over again. So I try to deal with it all myself, and can't, and that's when I SI.