Thursday, May 31, 2007

Losing my Grip on Reality

What a day - things started getting intense last night. Had a pretty rough panic attack. But took the xanax. Did as much deep breathing as possible with a three year old demanding I play the part of "Copper" in Fox in the Hound. Managed to resist SI-ing by giving up and going to bed early. Slept okay.

Woke up this morning. Urge is still here but was running late so just got out of house quickly. Drive to work and am slowing down for a light when BUMP - a car hits me from behind. It wasn't bad. Very minor. Got out and looked things over. I think the other driver wasn't sure if he had really hit me or if the sound he heard was his brakes - you know that sound they make when you jam them. Anyway, no damage to either car, so went on to work.

I got to work and was trying to look at my To Do list to see what needed to be done today. I remembered a conversation with my husband from last night when he wanted me to do something. He came in when I was trying to do my deep breathing and said "I need you to look this up for me." It came off kind of demanding and I didn't react real well. After we got our daughter to bed, we talked. He apologized for his tone and I apologized for my reaction. So all was well. Until this morning....

In the past, I have had to over-analyze every little thing. If Husband said something just the slightest bit snappy (like last night), I would play out the various responses in my head - from saying nothing to leaving the house in a huff. The next day I would have trouble remembering what really happened versus what I just "made up" in my head. I just chalked it up to the fact that my brain was always so busy over-analyzing.

Well that has gotten a bit better with this new medication and my brain seems less "busy" now. Last night, I don't remember analyzing things in my head. But right now I can't for sure say whether I looked the info up or whether that was in my head. I hate to ask him - he'd think I was crazy. (edited to add - hubby called and I casually asked if he had gotten the golf reservations. He said he'd call later. So apparently I did look it up and give it to him). I had to look it up in the history of my computer. It's there. So I did look up the info. It still doesn't seem "real" though. If I were in a court of law, I could not swear on the Bible that I had done it, even though I have proof that I did. I have no "feeling" about having done it. This is driving me nuts. I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality. Is this normal? What the hell is happening to me?


Jewellybeano said...

I think sometimes when your brain is moving so fast, it gets hard to pay attention to what you are doing. You were distracted internally. It is hard to keep focused when that is going on. It happens. I would not be alarmed if I were you.

Marj aka Thriver said...

Kudos to you for resisting the SI urge. I think you are absolutely normal, your reality is just dealing with a lot of trauma, that's all. ((((safe hugs))))

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