Prior parts here - Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four and Part Five.
First Attempt at Getting Help
I thought I was healed. I thought becoming a Christian had healed me. I thought I was done dealing with it all. My Sister's first child was a boy. Mom and her had reconciled to the point where Mom could visit. Mom was not to talk about Toilet in any way.
Mom and Toilet moved 1 state away from me about the time I got married. My Sister got pregnant again and had a girl. Shortly thereafter she suffered a mental breakdown and was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. At first everyone assumed it was post-partum depression. Sister knew otherwise. Having a baby girl had triggered all her unresolved issues. That started her on her healing process and I have to say (proudly) that she had come a LONG way.
When I mentioned a few years later thinking of having children, Sister encouraged me to to get counseling and deal with my issues first. Having seen what she had been through, I thought it wasn't a bad idea. I did have some concerns about Toilet being around a child of mine. I was still visiting Mom (and him) sporadically.
The first counselor I tried had an office not to far from my work. My Husband went with me. We walked in and there was no one in there. Soon this woman came out, handed me forms and left. We sat there awhile. Same woman came out, took us back and went over insurance. I assumed she was the billing clerk/receptionist. Turns out she was the therapist. We talked about an overview of what I was looking for. She got all excited looking and talked about hypnosis to regain my memories and bringing Mom in to confront her and doing an "intervention." I totally freaked and left. A few months later I decided to try again. Found a counselor who was a Christian and did about 6 months with her. She gave me books to read and we'd discuss them. We mainly worked on boundaries. And she tried to make me see that I wasn't alone.
I got pregnant. A few weeks after I told my Mom, I got a call at work. It was Toilet. He said, "Just wanted to let you know I'm in the area." I freaked - I had been thinking hard about what relationship I wanted my child to have with this person. Toilet didn't want to meet - just thought it was cool he was driving by. Mom called later and said something about Toilet being a "grandpa." I freaked again. I told Mom that I didn't consider him safe to be around children and wanted no further contact. She said "okay." In one later call (about 1 week later) she said "I have something to say and then I don't want to discuss this issue again. She said that I didn't have to worry about Toilet ever contacting me. He didn't want to. He and Mom were hurt that we had this "close" relationship for years and he had been so "good" to me and now I was cutting him off." I was pissed but had guilt feelings too.
Things were good after that. Wonderful pregnancy and beautiful little girl. In the hospital the first night, Husband and I were praying over her. I remember wondering how anyone could hurt a child. I had such a bond and I knew already that if anyone touched her, I'd kill them.
A little over one year ago, my Husband and I were having the same arguments over and over. I thought marriage counseling would help. I finally convinced him to go. It was good. We dealt with a lot of things and our relationship improved. But I mentioned my childhood but said I was "fine" with it.
Not too much later, there was an Oprah show with Terri Hatcher on it. Lots of talk on a website I post on about another sexual abuse news story. The debate got heated and some feelings hurt. I started a Yahoo Group with about 12 of us who were victims of sexual abuse and we started talking. I also began having horrible panic attacks and determined I needed help. So Hubby insisted I call our therapist. I did and now I've been seeing her individually ever since.
It's been a very tough year. The panic attacks and anxiety became overwhelming. The SI became much, much worse. I remembered more, talked about more and dealt with more over the last year than I have in the prior 18 years. There are times when I wanted to give up. There are times when I wonder if it is worth it. But I think, maybe, just maybe, I am catching a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel. So I'm continuing my journey toward that light, plodding along, one step at a time.