For Links to prior parts, see Part Six (below).
After Silence is an online board for victims of sexual abuse and rape. It has been a lifeline for me, along with my SASF group (you know who you are), my Therapist and my Blogging Friends (especially Tina, Lynn, Jewellybeano and Austin).
This is the first time I've ever written this out in detail. I had some pretty rough flashbacks last night. I was typing this with my eyes closed and remember details I didn't want to remember. Much, much, much thanks to those of you on After Silence Chat last night who talked me through it - sadeyes, Peace4Denise and Windy - I could never have made it through last night without you. And No I didn't work up the courage to call my T (thanks for your encouragement - you know I did try). But she did find me online and I think we'll meet up this afternoon.
I feel vulnerable having posted all this. Despite getting absolutely nothing but support here. I still feel a sense of shame, but less than I did before.
And there is some PROGRESS -- Last night I was dizzy, got sick, and was very panicky and shaky. But a part of me remained in control too. I was able to cry (well okay it was bawling) but I was actually able to let it out and express emotion. I beat my pillow. Cried out to God. It felt ...different...but okay. This morning I had a relapse and did SI but it wasn't horrible - not like it would have been last night.
Thank you for all your support and love.