Friday, May 4, 2007

ONIF - Oh No It's Friday

Instead of TGIF, I'm having a ONIF (Oh No It's Friday) day. Today marks one week since I last cut. One week since I've been on this new medication. In one week I've gone from an 8 (on a 1-8 scale) to a 2 on average anxiety; from an 8 to a 1 on average depression; and from a daily average of 3-4 to a daily average of 1 panic attack. So I should be happy and celebrating, right?

I'm not sure what is the cause - low blood sugar? The trileptal? The pain meds I'm on? The pain itself? The combo of pain meds, xanax and trileptal? Or just me being me? But in any event, I feel jittery today. Unlike before where I had panic attack thoughts but no physical symptoms, today I have panic attack symptoms but no thoughts. I think I prefer the former. Because this kind of sucks. I feel anxious. My fingers are tingly and my arms feel real heavy. I feel off balance and a bit disoriented and dizzy. My head is spinning. I feel sleepy but have been having trouble falling asleep at night. I am dissociating (having that floaty, out of body, looking in feeling) more often. I'm not focusing at work today. Can't get up enough energy to care either.

I'm a bit concerned...........okay, I'll be honest -- I'm scared. I've put an awful lot of hope in these meds. It seemed like THE ANSWER I've been searching for. Pop a pill and voila - I am cured. I was apprehensive to say out loud how good I was feeling the first few days, for fear of jinxing it. But I did finally admit it to myself and others. Now, though, I'm feeling odd again. I'm scared to think too hard about the cause(s) of feeling bad. Far easier to blame it on the jaw pain or pain meds. I'm scared to think that the good feeling might have been a placebo affect or just my wanting so hard for the meds to work, that I "made" them work for awhile. Scared that the meds aren't the "cure" I imagined or hoped. Scared to admit that this jittery/anxious feeling might actually be a panic attack, despite the meds. Scared to admit that the SI urges are stronger today and worried about what this weekend will hold as far as that is concerned.

I think I need someone to slap me upside the head (avoid the jaw please!) and tell me to buck up and get over myself. To hang in there and look at the positive and to pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep moving. Any takers?


Lynn said...

I have felt what you are describing. In my case it was due to emotions that I was having difficulty expressing. You mentioned in the last post that you were feeling sad and angry. I think that is perfectly normal, but people with our upbringings are in a bit of a bind when it comes to expressing it. My thereapist once suggested beating the sofa cushions with a tennis racket to vent and give voice to my anger. Maybe you could look for ways to physically vent and give voice to the feelings you are having and see if you feel better for it later?

Maybe later on, if you need someone to tell you that it was okay to have your feelings, you can imagine me sitting with you on your dream-couch. I'm on YOUR side, Enola. Perfect name -- you are NOT alone. There are people left in the world who will come to the aid of THE CHILD and to hell with the perpetrators and anyone else who doesn't like it.

jewellybeano said...

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I hope it just a short time, and you wil get back to those "1" and "2" levels real soon.

Panic is not a predictable thing, unfortunately. My firts thought was to ask you if you had too much cafiene because what you described is exactly was happens to me when my diet cokes catch up to me. I cannot help but wonder what your body is trying to tell you with it's symptoms.

I hope to can hold off with the SI stuff. I understand if you cannot, believe me, I understand. But I hope you can put it off, tough it out, and get to the other side of this without SI.

Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Excpet slap you upside the head, because I really don't think that would help anyway.

Tina said...

I have felt the same way recently - without the jaw pain and the pain meds and trileptal of course. But, always lightheaded, lethargic, heavy limbs... It could be the caffeine - and it could be thyroid too and you need to have your antibodies tested.

Hope you can get things figured out soon!