Friday, May 18, 2007

Triggers come in 3s too

My mom is still married to my abuser. I never visit her house. I rarely call her and only when I know she is at home. We do IM sometimes. We do email. Her computer is a family computer. I don't know how much her husband (I call him "Toilet") uses it. But I'm sure he does on occasion.

Earlier I tried to email my mom a video clip of my adorable 3 year old daughter's dance recital rehearsal (trying to be the good daughter here). It wouldn't go through - too big. Mom and I IM-ed a bit and I said I'd send pictures later. Well, just a few moments ago, I saw she was on IM. So I emailed the pics and then IM-ed her to say "go look at them." I wanted to hear her gushy comments about how cute my daughter was (about the only decent comments I hear from her).

I had looked at the time. I knew it was 1:30 pm. I knew she left for work at 1 pm. I just thought maybe she was going in late. The IMs were returned as "undeliverable" and she "signed off" ASAP.

I know what that means. I know it was Toilet on IM. My sister and I will sometimes IM mom and get that message. We both know that means he is the one on the computer. Because my mom would never resist a chance to IM (she gets such few since we mostly avoid her). Sometimes we'll call and he'll answer. I just say "let me talk to Mom" My sister hangs up on him and my mom knows to call my sister back.

I know better than to have sent that IM. The thought of that ...thing....going and looking at pictures of my daughter makes me want to throw up. I am very selective of what I send. No naked baby pictures. This was my daughter in her ballet costume though - it's certainly nothing uncommon - adorable actually. But it's a ballerina tutu with tights and it does show her figure (well her 3 year old figure). And worse, I sent two group pictures so now there are pictures of lots of girls - not just mine. That makes me feel like I exposed these other children to him. I am remember the father's comments last night at rehearsal "no way my 3 year old is wearing makeup" --- "can't they make those costumes with full skirts so they cover more" --- "my daughter WILL wear underwear under her costume - not just tights" -- "Go change in the dressing room. I know you are 3 but there are too many people here for you to be changing in public." Comments from Dads who were concerned for, and protecting, their daughters. And I just sent their pictures out.

I just want to throw up now.


Lynn said...

Oh, Enola!! This is terrible. It is so unfair to not be able to send innocent pics of a baby to her grandmother without worrying that the sicko will see them. I'm so sorry, honey.

Beauty said...

How sad to have to worry about sending an innocent photo of a 3 year old! Sometimes the world can be a scary place, but thank goodness there are mothers out there like you who realize the dangers.