Wednesday, May 30, 2007

One Big Happy (Connected) Part

Okay so I wrote out my story on here this week and last. When I wrote my story I was actually there. Before, I remembered things but it was in a detached way. Dissociative I guess. This time when I wrote, I did the "shut my eyes and type" trick but I was there. I could see, hear, feel, smell things. It was horrible. On another site, I've seen it called "body memories." I don't know how I typed. I know I took breaks. I know I got sick at one point. I know I lost time. I have no doubt I wrote what I wrote. I remember writing parts. And I know when I typed it, that there were parts that were more clear than ever. Sort of like new memories. But now, in the present, I can't connect with that. I'm not sure how to explain it.

I tried to explain it to my therapist too and couldn't really. When I used to think about (and try to talk about) what happened, it was in a third-person detached way. I could intellectually remember what happened for the most part, but couldn't connect with the emotional part of it. When I was writing this out on here last week, I was connected fully. (too fully if you ask me). But now, again it's like it is someone else. It's as if I can't remain connected to it emotionally. Maybe it is supposed to be that way. Maybe it's a protective mechanism.

I was blog hopping while eating lunch at my desk today. Just cruising around to see what was out there. Got to looking back at some of my old posts on my blog too. Uh oh. I don't remember writing some of them. I mean I know I wrote them. And what is in them is true. But I'm not connected to having written them. I have no "real" sense or feeling that I wrote them, just some inner knowledge that I did. (I don't know if this making any sense whatsoever). I read one post and just about gagged. I can't believe I wrote something so detailed and graphic and just ick. I want to delete it so bad. But I committed when starting this blogging thing to not do that. So I'll just hope it remains buried in my past posts.

When I post and write things, sometimes it gets pretty intense. Sometimes I have to shut my eyes and type (like with My Story). But I'm here writing it and typing it - present in the moment. Then I go back and read it, and while I know I wrote it, it is as if someone else wrote it. I feel no connection - no emotion about what I wrote. Well, not exactly true. Sometimes what I wrote makes me want to throw up. But that's the only emotion I really feel.

So WHY is this bothering me? One is this whole lack of connection between my mind and my emotions. I hate having fuzzy parts. I think maybe (okay, probably not) I could learn to accept fuzziness with past memories. But when current memories (like writing out my story) become fuzzy, it really bothers me. I mean I have what I wrote on here and my blog to know that I wrote it out. I can read it and remember it as being true. But I can't connect with the person who wrote it. It's like there is the "coping, detached" me and the me who experiences emotions.

I just want to feel whole again. Connected. All one big happy (connected) part. Is that too much to ask?


Tina said...

Hey, you have been a POSTING FOOL! And, I am just too ick feeling to read it all right now (not that I don't want to, my stuffed up head just won't allow it).

However, I will catch up. And, I can say that I, too, have a sort of "disconnect" from things I have written in the past - when I read things sometimes, I have a hard time remembering being so "down." So, in a way, maybe that is a good sign for you - that you are really beginning to heal without realizing it...and that some things you wrote either don't bother you as much, or trigger something else that bothers you more, leading you to more recovery. Make sense?

I will catch up...maybe as soon as this antibiotic starts WORKING!!!!

jumpinginpuddles said...

No its not too much to ask and what you should have had from the beginning, we are sorry you also have been hurt so badly. As for disociation we havent met one survivor yet who hasnt dissociated during abuse and afterwards in recovery also, thats how you survived.
We are reading you stro yas we go we have read part one but we are also as you know just keeping our own head abive water as we rtead each part of your story we will comment :)

Marj aka Thriver said...

I know what you wish, and I wish it for you, too. I can relate. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just barely holding together with some flimsy scotch tape! We deserve to be whole!