I am overwhelmed, frustrated and in pain. The sadness/depression is back, as is the anxiety. I am overwhelmed with all that I have to do. On the plus side, our camping trip for next weekend is cancelled. On the downside, that is good only because I will probably be recovering from jaw surgery - again. My jaw is still extremely sore, with lightening bolts of pain every time the screws are touched. I am feeling much like I did last week before the trileptal - only not as intense or bad. The urge to SI is back - although I've resisted thus far. I still can't eat certain foods, yet despite the lack of food, am continuing to gain weight.
I tried lightening some of my burden by leaning on my husband. He has been fabulous about taking on more of the housework over the last few weeks. Until this weekend, he had been great about helping out more with our daughter too. I think his patience is shot. He appeared less than thrilled when I brought her back home after being out and about with her for four hours, and told him I was off to take a break/nap. His solution is to rant and rave at the doctors. Don't they know what they are doing? I thought you might not need braces. What do you mean the medication isn't working as well as before? What do you mean you are still having panic attacks? Call the doctor. Call this person. Have you done this yet? Why don't you do this or handle it this way. You need to be more firm.
AGH. I would really like to have a real mother at this moment. Someone to call up and say "I've had it." Someone who would come tuck me into bed for a nap, call all my doctors, get answers for me, coordinate among everyone and everything. Give me a break for awhile. Find me answers. Solve all the loose ends. Answer all the questions - why is my thyroid level going up? Why am I continuing to gain weight when I'm not eating as much? Is caffeine really causing the panic or exacerbating it? What is the right dose? Can I, or can't I, get pregnant on this? How long do I need to be on it? Is my jaw infected or is the screws? Can I take the screws out or do they need to stay in? Can we just tighten them or do they have to be replaced? Is this jitteriness caused by the interaction between the pain meds and the trileptal? Why am I depressed, anxious, unfocused in the first place? When should I schedule the jaw screw removal? What about the next thyroid test? Don't forget you have to work and earn a living too. Oh and balance the checkbook, figure out where Aflac went wrong, settle your accident case - after you figure out if your lack of focus might be somewhat a result of your fall. And live life in general, be a good mom, good wife and good employee.
I want a real mother who will take on some of that for me - all that she can. Reassure me it will be all right. Hold me as I cry from exhaustion and the sheer feeling of being overwhelmed. Not push me to add anything else to my plate. And not get mad or be disappointed when I quit and just can't do it anymore. Any takers? Do you think there is such a job description? Think I can find anyone to hire?