Friday, May 4, 2007

Weird Dream

The fact that I dreamt at all is odd. The fact that I remembered it is even more odd. With all the meds, I typically pass out and don't remember much. But this one stuck with me. I think I may know what prompted it. Someone yesterday online mentioned her sister finding her journal and reading it. Then her sister told this girl's parents about the abuse. The poster was upset at her parent's reaction (or lack of one in her case).

In my dream, I was a teenager. Living with Mom and Toilet. Visiting with Dad, only he was married to his current wife (unlike real life where that hadn't happened yet). My sister had read my journal and told my Dad about it. They were all coming over to confront me. I knew there was going to be a huge fight. I was afraid everyone was going to be mad at me. Everyone showed up. It was my sister, Mom, Dad and Dad's wife. Not sure where Toilet went. Everyone was yelling at me. Yelling at me for the abuse, for the SI, for having sex, for everything. To them, it was all my fault. Then I remember curling up on the couch and knowing they were watching my every move. To make sure I didn't do anything else.

So what does it mean? Some of it is not based in reality. For instance, there is no way that my Mom and Dad would ever have been in the same room together. Not even to try to protect my Sister or I, or deal with a problem involving us. If all of them did gather in the same room, there would be a fight, but probably with each other. There is no way my sister would have told my Dad about what was written in my journal. And in real life I knew better than to write anything detailed about what happened. The few poems and things I did write down were very well hidden.

Some of it is realistic. When Mom found out about the abuse, Mom did blame me. When I attempted suicide, she yelled at me. If she had ever found out about the SI, she would have yelled. I know she threatened to punish my sister if she ever caught my sister doing it (SI) again. Mom didn't care about the pre-marital sex - just didn't want me getting pregnant. And when I did get pregnant, at age 15, she was totally pissed off about that. Not out of concern for me, but out of concern for herself. It was all about her (what will people thing about me? Your dad is going to blame me? How will I pay for this? You don't think I'm going to raise this child do you?)

Dad did go through my room and stuff one time. Luckily I didn't leave much at his house. Later he said it was because he was concerned I was on drugs or something given my total change in personality. (so at least he observed a change in me, although he didn't do anything about it). His true girlfriend at the time, told me years later, that she suspected sexual abuse but my dad refused to believe it. In any event, Dad did discover a letter to my boyfriend and thus learned I was having sex. Again, not mad about that. Just lectured me on not getting pregnant. Of course when your parents are both living with people they are not married too, their lectures about sex outside of marriage don't carry much weight!

When Dad did learn of the abuse, he was pissed off at me for continuing to live there. Pissed off that I "chose" Toilet to walk me down the aisle instead of him. In real life, my Dad confronted my boyfriend and yelled at him for all our "inappropriate" activities, but Dad just ignored Toilet and his "inapproptriate activities." Turned a blind eye to those because Dad didn't want to deal with it.

The part of my dream where I'm curled up on the couch with everyone watching is realistic. In my dream, I was alone on the couch. And they were watching me to make sure I didn't "do anything stupid." In real life, I would have been on the couch alone - not with anyone sitting by me or supporting me. They would have been watching me, but not for my protection. It would have been to be sure I didn't say anything I wasn't supposed to, didn't embarrass them, didn't make a scene, and didn't involve any professionals (because then I might inadvertently say something). I always wondered why my mom didn't take us to the doctor or a counselor much - especially when I attempted suicide. Now I know - she was afraid I might actually talk about how life really was and that might cause her to be forced to defend her choices/actions.

So in my dream, and in real life, the themes are the same. Everything is my fault. I'm the one to blame. I chose the abuser. I allowed it to happen. I can definitely see progress in myself - I don't just accept the blame and fault any more. I can't say that I've let it go entirely, but it's not controlling my life anymore. I also feel more anger and sadness toward my parents. Which is a healthy thing, I believe.


Lynn said...

I agree with you, Enola. I think the anger and sadness you feel toward your parents are healthy things.

Tina said...

Very interesting dream indeed - it has allowed you to really spell out where the real blame and anger belongs, and that is a huge step for you. And, you are right - your mom didn't and doesn't want to ever have to acknowledge that she allowed this to happen.

The one interesting thing that I am not sure if you can see yet is about "choosing" Toilet. I think one of the reasons you "chose" him is because he showed some interest in you at that time - an interest that came too late with your dad. Also, in "chosing" him, you had hoped that you could prove yourself worthy of "good" attention, not abuse - which, of course, didn't work. If your dad had really given you the right attention at the time, you might have been stronger to fight Toilet off and stop that cycle of abuse. I hope your dad can figure that out and realize the role he played in this.