Friday, May 18, 2007

What I wished I had Said

Slept pretty well. Two xanax 5 1/2 hours apart, one trilpetal and one melatonin will do that. Had a bit of a time getting up this morning. But woke up feeling okay.

On the drive in, had a memory of Easter a few years ago. My sister had her oldest two children, but her youngest was not yet born. I had not yet had my daughter. My mom came to visit for a few days as well. Everyone was at my house. My sister's son was about 3 at the time. He and his dad were wrestling. At one point my BIL picked Nephew up by feet and hung him upside down and pretended to bang his head on the ground. Nephew was laughing hysterically and screaming with joy. BIL was tapping his head on the ground, but it was a tap - not a pound.

My mom got upset and walked out. She said something about "I can't watch this." I went out to see what was up. She was actually crying. She said she thought BIL was playing too rough. I guess that constituted "physical abuse" to her so it was bad.

Have no idea why that memory came up or what it means.

What really, really got to me today was a comment from a partner here. We are having a seminar in our office and one of the assistants brought in donuts. It's Friday and someone always brings in food here. Apparently the business bought a platter of wraps too. One of the partners from another floor was up here. We have a standing joke between the floors where we'll ask "do you have a hall pass to be off your floor?" and other jokes like that. So I jostled his shoulder and joked "did you run all the way up here just to grab the first wrap?" His response was," Well I paid for them......or part of them." That totally pissed me off.

I know my numbers suck and I didn't meet my goal last year. I know he and I have gone round and round about installing another light on the side parking lot (where I park). He doesn't want to pay for upgrades. I think it is a safety matter. He is also the top rainmaker here. And I think he is pissed that I chose to delay partnership another year. But his comments are sarcastic and uncalled for.

Why am I letting this bother me? After a situation is over, I often think of what I wished I had said. To my Mom I wish I had said, "Well why don't you go run in and save Nephew? Oh wait, that's beyond the scope of your ability." or "maybe if they were wrestling naked, it would be more okay with you?" To the partner I wish I would have said, "Sarcasm doesn't become you" or "If you have something you want to say to me, just come out and say it. These sarcastic comments are juvenile."

1 comment:

Tina said...

I do the same thing - ruminate over what I should have said, or plan out how a potential "next encounter" would go if I didn't say what I should have the first time around. But, that way of thinking is hurtful and anxiety-prevoking - and you and I need to stop it. I have been getting better at it - allowing myself to be off the hook for what I just didn't think to say.

Someone who is sarcastic will always be that way no matter what you do or don't say - and, it might be best you didn't say anything at all at the time.