Friday, June 8, 2007

Disjointed Thoughts

A workbook that I worked through awhile back had me do this exercise where I had to free-write for 10 minutes about a topic, my thoughts or my feelings. It was like vomiting on paper. The thoughts were disjointed and not always cohesive. But at the end it was eye-opening as to what I was thinking. I was telling someone online that I felt like my head was encompassed in a tornado with all these thoughts swirling around. She suggested I do that very exercise to get these thoughts out and then see if I can find an overriding theme. If not, I've at least gotten them out. So it's quiet here and I've set the timer. Ready, set, (deep breath) go........

- I am worried about what will come out. People are actually reading this now. Some people I know in real life are reading this. What if they read something and don't like me anymore - or think I am crazy? I mean I feel crazy. But what if they really think I'm crazy. I'm ashamed of some of my thoughts. Fearful about people realizing how dark and ugly my thoughts really are.

- It's been 5 days since I cut last. The urge today is horrible. It's been tough for 2 days now. Usually I can resist 2 days before I can't resist any longer. I just got an email memo that 3 of the partners are out all day. I know 2 more will leave early because it's Friday. I know one is playing golf this afternoon. So I can easily leave early. But I know I should not go home. I need to go home and clean my house. I need to go shopping. If I go home though and am alone, I know it will be harder, if not impossible, to resist cutting. I don't want to be at work, but I know what will happen if I go home. I want to cut. I've been in this downward spiral of depression and darkness for a few days now. Cutting with break it. I hate that it is the only thing that does that. I can use the rubber band or ice to keep from cutting. But they don't work to bring me out of the darkness.

- I really need a hug today. I needed one last night and came really, really close to asking my husband for one last night. But I backed off at the last minute. Why did I do that? Someone joked the other night about whether Husband and I had figured out the whole kissing with braces thing. We laughed it off. Then I realized that it had been about 1 1/2 months since I got braces and we've never tried to figure it out. That makes me sad. I wish I had a friend I could go up to and just ask for a hug and get one. My daughter gave me the best hug last night but I need someone my age or older. It's just different that way. What I'd really like is a mother's lap to sit in. But that is totally unrealistic. So I'd settle for a hug. I think a hug would be nice.

- At least I was smart enough to wear bracelets today. They will hide the red marks on my wrist from snapping this rubber band. I've seen people look. No one has commented (except T). I try to read peoples' eyes when they look - to see what they are thinking. Judging me? Pitying me? Condemning me? I want to hide my wrist, while at the same time drop my pants and say, "stop staring. It could be worse."

- When will I learn to apply things to my own life? I did my Bible reading last night about fighting the good fight. About God sometimes rescuing us from battles. Other times, equipping us to fight. Like David - God was there with him during the fight. I immediately thought that I needed to email that to one of our church members who is serving in Iraq now. Never could figure out how to apply it to my life. Why do I think I am not worthy enough?

- I chatted with a friend via IM last night. She told me her story. First time she's said it at all. I'm so proud of her. It was very hard for me to sit through, but I wouldn't have dreamed of backing out on her. She kept asking me if I was 'okay' and I said yes. I knew she needed to tell it. I was okay in the moment. (Well I dissociated some....and panicked some). Not so okay today. The things her abuser did and said are very similar to mine. Actually that's why she chose to talk to me. She had read my story and knew I could relate. Some things she said caused "flashes" in my head that I am trying to ignore. I can't deal with anything like that today.

- Why did I just tell my assistant to book a replacement appointment for the one that cancelled this morning. Why didn't I take advantage of the break to go to the park and just cry?

- Shouldn't have had the caffeinated coffee this morning. Now the room is spinning. Or maybe it is the panic that is looming about. Setting in because I'm being so open and honest on here and not editing my thoughts.......... (ding) time is up. Now to hit "send" without editing.


Lynn said...

Enola, if I were there I would give you a hug. I really would.

jumpinginpuddles said...

We often seek a hug but never recieve it and the reason you may not be askign your hubby is becasue askign him doesnt mean you wil lfeel better a safe hug is a good hug but if you dont entirely trust a person a hug from them can cause more issues than its worth.
Our partner rarely even notices us anymore so the kissing stuff we also get but we dont have braces.
Self infliction is a hard one there are various forms of self insfliction, our way at the moment is to push the body to complete exhaustion, but each form of self infliction has a price, self infliction is the inside coming outside and the trick is to know how to get the inside pain out without cutting or si to do it, and crying is one area but crying is also about release and release is scary when you dont knoiw when its goign to stop, maybe thats why you didnt get the break you wanted.
We are glad your friend spoke to you but be careful about how you are first, maybe some of that she said has not helped how you are feeling today.
Just a few rambling thoughts from a few of JIP