Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Head v. Heart - and the 4 letter "R" word

For the prior post about this, see Here. I have been struggling with this 4 letter word since Sunday. I talked with the friend from the original conversation again last night. Haven't ever met her - but I feel like I know her and she knows me fairly well in an odd sort of way. We exchanged first names for the first time last night (LOL), but she knows more about my true thoughts and emotions than I let a lot of people know. I am thankful to have people like her in my life. Some people tiptoe around me (like my husband) and don't throw the hard stuff at me. I need people like her to make me face things I need to face, even if it is tough. Am I glad I have this knowledge now? Yes. Is it really difficult to deal with? Yes. Have I been able to say it yet? Nope. She asked me last night if I had done that yet - said I was ______. Nope, not yet. To do that would be to resolve the Head v. Heart battle raging inside me. And I haven't yet accepted it either........

Heart - This really hurts.

Head - Get over it. It's just a four letter label. Why the hell does it matter so much?

Heart - because it validates how I feel. It really was that bad.

Head - and it really wasn't R - not in your current state under it's definition and not where it happened - because they don't call it "R"

Heart - who cares what it is called? In the state where it happened, they treat it the same, regardless of the label slapped on it.

Head - You are the one hung up on the label, getting all bent out of shape because you have this new 4-letter label to contend with.

Heart - I don't want it to be "that bad." But then again I do want to know it was "that bad" and that it is okay to feel the way I do and be struggling the way that I am.

Head - your wishy-washyness is driving me crazy. Just figure out how you feel and be done with it already.

Heart - how I feel? I feel sick, nauseous, jittery, panicky, sad, confused, broken, shaky, ugly, dirty, ashamed, weak, guilty ----------- is that enough for you?

Head - I'm done -- escaping into "la la" dissociation land..........
Heart - I'm done -- escaping into numbness...........


Lynn said...

I'm having heart/head troubles myself.

Pixie said...

I've continued done your blog... God this is powerful stuff

Keep trying it's the only way then one day you can stand up and own what hurts you the most. And then you can start to be free of it.

And if all else fails go into the backyard and scream till you can scream no more!