Wednesday, June 6, 2007

I'm NOT okay

There's a song I like that has the lyrics "I'm not allright. I'm broken inside." I feel that way right now. Why is it that when people say "hey how are you" that I just instinctively respond "I'm okay" or "I'm good" or "fine, how are you?" Of course, most people are being polite and really don't to know how you are. Can you imagine if I actually said, "well, the bridge columns looked really good today -- how are you?"

On the AS chat, I've gotten a bit better about not just saying "okay" in response to "how are you." I'll actually say "bleh" or "not so good" or sometimes even say "pass" in response to the question. In real life though, you're most likely going to hear an "okay" from me. That seems to be my worse possible answer in real life.

I wasn't allowed to be "not okay" growing up. I had to have it all together. I don't know how to be "not okay" now. I'm scared to be "not okay." Scared of falling apart and not getting it back together. Scared to let anyone know I don't have it together. Scared of being vulnerable in front of someone -- enough to let them know I'm not okay.

I'm trying to learn new words for emotions and figure out how to label these things I'm feeling. Beyond just "sad, glad, okay, not okay." I think right now I'm melancholy (how's that for a big word), anxious, wound up, sad, depressed and just plain NOT okay......


Lynn said...

I'm not okay, either. I can't even label it any further than that right now. I, too, had to always be ok. It became harder and harder... I think I finally got tired and started to fall apart. I know how it is. Can't label it right now, but I do experience the feelings. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but if I didn't know that I was not the only one who has experienced this, I think I would lose my mind. Thanks for being here, Enola. Most people do not understand. Not at all.

Jewellybeano said...

HHmmm, the funny thing, the really odd thing, is that this same song was in my head al day yesterday. I almost posted it on my blog.