Thursday, June 28, 2007

Enough is Enough Already

I have enough professional training to know that when a child exhibits certain behaviors or characteristics, that one ought to do some investigation and further inquire into the possibility of sexual abuse. For years I've ignored the fact that I exhibited (still do to some extent) those signs. Signs that point to the fact that there is something there Pre-Toilet. Lately this fact has been coming up over and over and over again. Situationally as things at work strike a chord, posts I read on different boards, flashbacks and panic/triggers.

I tried to talk about them last night in counseling. Couldn't say it out loud of course (typical for me). So instead I went home and wrote it out. In so many ways it was worse that writing out my story. Because this was stuff I had done - maybe out of reaction to something done to me (of which I still have no memory). But it was my actions, behaviors, sayings, etc. So it's something I am extremely embarrassed, ashamed and terrified of. I feel awful, dirty, like a lowlife, disgusting. I panicked and dissociated the entire time I wrote it. But I knew I had too. I sent it to my T. On the one hand I didn't want her to read it. On the other hand I needed validation that the things I remembered were real causes for concern and I wasn't just overreacting. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) T validated that they were all "legitimate question marks."

I have only ever told one other person about all these things. She is an online friend. (Hi - if you are reading!). We've not met in real life. But we chat almost daily online. I've told her things I've never told anyone else. I feel safe talking with her. It doesn't make sense to me, with my trust issues, that I can trust someone so much that I've not met in real life. But she has experienced a lot of what I have. And I love her openness and honesty. She doesn't let me shy away from the hard stuff. And has a remarkable ability to push me to deal with things, without pressuring me beyond my comfort zone. I've written her some pretty awful stuff and so far (LOL) she hasn't run away screaming. That means so much to me.

So last night I wrote out everything - eyes closed, dissociated, never read it, free flow thinking, doesn't make a ton of sense writing. (I will not be posting it here). I emailed it to my T. I was so sick afterwards. I felt so much shame. I truly value T's opinions and trust her in this process. I care about what she thinks. I knew intellectually it would be okay. But I have so much shame about everything that I can't help but wonder why anyone would want to have anything to do with me after finding all this out.

Saw T today for a few moments. It was hard. To see her in person. To sit across from someone that knows my deepest secrets. Because I still feel sick over having written this out and discussed it with anyone. I still feel dirty and nasty and sick and ashamed. I dont know what to do and I'm really overwhelmed right now. How much more is there for me to deal with? I thought I was making progress. I know I have. I thought things were going well. I was ready to think about getting off meds. And now this. I can't deal with any more. How much is enough? When will these be over? How many more times do I have to claw my way up, just to be thrown down into the pit again? Maybe I should just stay in the pit this time.


insidersall said...

I admire your courage to share with your T like this. You are fortunate to have such a trusting relationship with her. I have yet to discuss things I have said/done; maybe because I recognize those things as effects of abuse. If I know that is why I said/did those things, do I still need to discuss them in therapy? I don't know. Maybe I am a coward and am just using this as an excuse to keep my shame hidden.

Beauty said...

I know all too well that feeling of having something unexpected pop up that must be dealt with somehow. This road to recovery is a long process. I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could tell myself the same.

You just hang on to your mustard seed of faith. And when you can't even do that much, just know that you are never alone in all this. There will be times when it will feel like it, but the truth is you will be given the strength you need to deal with whatever comes up.

(By the way, I mentioned you on my blog today...please know it was written facetiously!)

Lynn said...

This is exactly my problem, Enola. I have TONS of red-flag shit that I remember that all happened before the first rape. They are definite signs of sexual abuse. Abuse that I have no clear and definitive memories about. There isn't too much doubt in my mind (most of the time) that something really hinky went down. This is where I am stuck right now. It sucks, that much I can tell you. I'm right here with you, sister. I know.

Enola said...

Insider - I'm no expert but my experience has been that we're supposed to talk about everything in T.

Beauty - LOL. I picked you because I knew you would write something wonderful, like you did :)

Lynn - Huge hugs. It does suck. I am sorry to know that anyone else is here. But on the other hand, I'll be watching your blog as we walk through this.

jewellybeano said...

Congratulations. You gave shame a huge kick in the rear end. I have a feeling I know exactly what you wrote about and sent to her, even though you didn't post it. You took a huge step. That, is progress in my opinion. Big progress. One day, you'll see it that way.

Lynn said...

Enola, I had something pull one of my shame triggers today. I wanted to come over here and tell you about it. There are a few things that I did as a child that make me feel bad. I KNOW I did not come up with those things on my own. I KNOW this. I extended compassion to myself today, because horrible things were done to me and I was just a girl and had no one to show me how to do right. No one. I was at the mercy of people who didn't have any mercy. I was lucky I lived to adulthood. As soon as I was old enough to know better, I did better. Much better. I understand the young me. That poor little girl does not need any more shame and abuse heaped on her, she needs love, understanding and compassion. I gave that to myself today. I deserve that much and so do you. God would never withhold this from us, why should we do it to ourselves? Hasn't enough been done to us already?

keepers said...

our perps rely on us feeling so ashamed that we cannot tell anyone what happened to us, they drive that point into us and when we finally do tell, we are ashamed. You did nothing wrong! the only one who should be ashamed is the perp, not you. Remember to be kind to yourself, you deserve it so.

peace and blessings


jumpinginpuddles said...

awesome job both here and there well done