I have enough professional training to know that when a child exhibits certain behaviors or characteristics, that one ought to do some investigation and further inquire into the possibility of sexual abuse. For years I've ignored the fact that I exhibited (still do to some extent) those signs. Signs that point to the fact that there is something there Pre-Toilet. Lately this fact has been coming up over and over and over again. Situationally as things at work strike a chord, posts I read on different boards, flashbacks and panic/triggers.
I tried to talk about them last night in counseling. Couldn't say it out loud of course (typical for me). So instead I went home and wrote it out. In so many ways it was worse that writing out my story. Because this was stuff I had done - maybe out of reaction to something done to me (of which I still have no memory). But it was my actions, behaviors, sayings, etc. So it's something I am extremely embarrassed, ashamed and terrified of. I feel awful, dirty, like a lowlife, disgusting. I panicked and dissociated the entire time I wrote it. But I knew I had too. I sent it to my T. On the one hand I didn't want her to read it. On the other hand I needed validation that the things I remembered were real causes for concern and I wasn't just overreacting. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) T validated that they were all "legitimate question marks."
I have only ever told one other person about all these things. She is an online friend. (Hi - if you are reading!). We've not met in real life. But we chat almost daily online. I've told her things I've never told anyone else. I feel safe talking with her. It doesn't make sense to me, with my trust issues, that I can trust someone so much that I've not met in real life. But she has experienced a lot of what I have. And I love her openness and honesty. She doesn't let me shy away from the hard stuff. And has a remarkable ability to push me to deal with things, without pressuring me beyond my comfort zone. I've written her some pretty awful stuff and so far (LOL) she hasn't run away screaming. That means so much to me.
So last night I wrote out everything - eyes closed, dissociated, never read it, free flow thinking, doesn't make a ton of sense writing. (I will not be posting it here). I emailed it to my T. I was so sick afterwards. I felt so much shame. I truly value T's opinions and trust her in this process. I care about what she thinks. I knew intellectually it would be okay. But I have so much shame about everything that I can't help but wonder why anyone would want to have anything to do with me after finding all this out.
Saw T today for a few moments. It was hard. To see her in person. To sit across from someone that knows my deepest secrets. Because I still feel sick over having written this out and discussed it with anyone. I still feel dirty and nasty and sick and ashamed. I dont know what to do and I'm really overwhelmed right now. How much more is there for me to deal with? I thought I was making progress. I know I have. I thought things were going well. I was ready to think about getting off meds. And now this. I can't deal with any more. How much is enough? When will these be over? How many more times do I have to claw my way up, just to be thrown down into the pit again? Maybe I should just stay in the pit this time.