Sunday, June 24, 2007

Saddam Hussein --> Toilet

This has been a tough weekend. Friday I chatted with a friend online. We're both pretty stubborn. Amazingly, I can argue with her about why what happened is not her fault, and vice versa. But both of us struggle with relating it to ourselves. We talked about the "R" word and my post. It made for a tough time Friday.

Yesterday was not so great either. I was managing okay and we all went to a friend's for supper. She is a survivor just starting on her healing journey. We put the kids in the next room to play while she, her husband, my husband and I all watched a comedy. It was a good escape until the end. At the end, they showed a spoof with a man who looked like Saddam Hussein.

Ironically, Toilet and Saddam Hussein look a lot alike. Heavyset/thick with longish hair and a long beard liberally sprinkled with gray. My Sister and I both struggled during the trial of Hussein and the beginnings of the war in Iraq - back when Hussein's picture was all over the news all the time. I can't handle seeing him. Like Hussein is the epitome of evil to the world, Toilet is evil to me.

When I am having a rough time, one trigger can set off a whole avalanche of triggers. Seeing Hussein was one in the middle of a series. Then there was the waggling tongue spoof on the movie, then husband putting his hand on my shoulder from behind, husband wiggling his toes. Then the flashback visions started. Like a strobe light flashing in my head. I was nauseous and dizzy and just not doing well. Came home, took a xanax and hit the bed.

This morning was a bit better but as the day goes on, it's getting bad again. We're to go to a cousin's birthday party at a park. It's about 1 1/2 drive. It is the park where my husband and I first met. I hope I can nap on the drive there and relax enough to enjoy it. I need a break from all of this. I was trying to figure out why weekends are so tough and had assumed, all along, that it was because I was at home without work to distract me. Then I realized that, perhaps, it is because the weekends in the summer were the days when Toilet and I would go for drives to fetch/refill the beer keg.....


Lynn said...

Oh, Enola. I'm so sorry. I have had the same things happen to me. It sucks to not even be able to watch a movie without having a problem crop up. The same thing happened to me when I watched "Wedding Crashers". My husband likes comedies. I don't much care for them as they are usually too stupid to really be funny. Why people would think it is funny when someone sneaks into a man's bedroom in the night and ties him up and assaults him, I will never understand. I had terrible panic attacks because of that scene. We had to turn off the movie and it took days for things to return to normal for me. It really shook me. All the way to existential panic.

I have problems on the weekends, too. I don't know why, though. I don't know if I will ever know why. There are things that I don't remember. Dirtball looks like Hussein, too. He didn't have long hair or a beard, but it was the age, face, eyes, coloring and the pattern of graying in the hair. It was uncanny and freaky. I couldn't look.

jumpinginpuddles said...

we are so sorry for these flashabacks they are horrible and we are sorry we also dread weekends but we dont know why, well we do it was when the worst things usually happend to us, and somehow we cant corroloate between it not being now then if thats makes sense.
Sometimes its good for us to go to other peoples blogs and see something you think written somewhewre else.
Hugs if you want/accept them if not just a wave.

austin said...

A friend of mine has a hard time in Spring. She freaks out during the spring but doesn't really know why. I always figure if there is a certain time of the year, month, day, whatever that flashbacks and panic are prevalent then you can guess there is a link to the abuse you suffered.

It is easier for me to see the innocence in others than in myself as a child. I see past through the eyes of an adult. I see the past of others through the eyes of an adult too but I tend to see them as children who were victimized. I see myself as an adult. Even when I talk about me at age 6 I see an up to date picture of myself. How can I begin to feel it wasn't my fault if I can't see myself as a child? That is why it is difficult for me to see my own innocence but easy to see it in others like yourself.

Austin of Sundrip