This has been a tough weekend. Friday I chatted with a friend online. We're both pretty stubborn. Amazingly, I can argue with her about why what happened is not her fault, and vice versa. But both of us struggle with relating it to ourselves. We talked about the "R" word and my post. It made for a tough time Friday.
Yesterday was not so great either. I was managing okay and we all went to a friend's for supper. She is a survivor just starting on her healing journey. We put the kids in the next room to play while she, her husband, my husband and I all watched a comedy. It was a good escape until the end. At the end, they showed a spoof with a man who looked like Saddam Hussein.
Ironically, Toilet and Saddam Hussein look a lot alike. Heavyset/thick with longish hair and a long beard liberally sprinkled with gray. My Sister and I both struggled during the trial of Hussein and the beginnings of the war in Iraq - back when Hussein's picture was all over the news all the time. I can't handle seeing him. Like Hussein is the epitome of evil to the world, Toilet is evil to me.
When I am having a rough time, one trigger can set off a whole avalanche of triggers. Seeing Hussein was one in the middle of a series. Then there was the waggling tongue spoof on the movie, then husband putting his hand on my shoulder from behind, husband wiggling his toes. Then the flashback visions started. Like a strobe light flashing in my head. I was nauseous and dizzy and just not doing well. Came home, took a xanax and hit the bed.
This morning was a bit better but as the day goes on, it's getting bad again. We're to go to a cousin's birthday party at a park. It's about 1 1/2 drive. It is the park where my husband and I first met. I hope I can nap on the drive there and relax enough to enjoy it. I need a break from all of this. I was trying to figure out why weekends are so tough and had assumed, all along, that it was because I was at home without work to distract me. Then I realized that, perhaps, it is because the weekends in the summer were the days when Toilet and I would go for drives to fetch/refill the beer keg.....