Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Temper Tantrum

Pity Party - table for one...unless anyone else wants to join me? Never mind, forget it. I can't even work up enough energy for a proper pity party. Or a temper tantrum for that matter. I am having one of those "don't want to deal with anything, no energy to work, just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and hide" days. Only that won't work because my stupid mind doesn't necessarily shut off just because it's dark and the covers are over my head.

My jaw hurts because every moment I am not consciously thinking about it, I have tensed it and am clenching my jaw. I need to call the jaw doc about something to stop me from doing it. I know he can come up with something for night time, but I don't know what to do about the daytime.

I'm depressed because none of my clothes fit. I worked so hard to get back down to my goal weight and start working out. I looked pretty decent. Now I'm up 15 pounds and 3 sizes. I have no summer clothes. Only one pair of shorts. Really though, it's okay because my legs are so messed up I wouldn't want to wear most of my shorts.

Doctor's office called and said med levels were a bit low based on blood work, but to stay on current level and test again in 1 month. Uh, that's great, but you have no idea how I'm doing on it. You haven't called to follow up. I don't know what to do about the med levels and frankly I'm too apathetic at the moment to care.

Husband and I bickered again tonight. He's irritated because I'm "pushing him away." Because I get irritated when he stands in a doorway blocking it, push him away, make faces when he is wiggling his toes or eating. Same issue, different day.

Work is there. I get bursts of energy on occasion. But mostly I just sit and stare. I was always known for being so prompt. Not anymore. I have a handful of cases I keep up with. The rest are collecting dust on my desk. I just don't have enough energy to deal with it.

I can't work up the energy to care about much these days. Not even life in general. Everyone tells me I have to keep moving forward.....I've come so far....keep fighting. They just don't understand. It takes every ounce of energy to get up in the morning. I am tired. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to curl up and disappear. If only it were that simple....

1 comment:

austin said...

I can tell you this much...knowing how far you've come only helps when you don't have a million things ahead of you all with a question mark of "can I handle this too." I say that yeah, I've survived a lot and giving up isn't an option for me but RESTING is. Resting is an absolute must if further progress or movement is to be made. It seems there's no rest, not enough any way but the survivor in us goes on autopilot and things get done despite the fact that we'd rather curl up and disappear. That "can't give up" attitude can feel like a burden at times.

I'm about to skip out to the doctor AGAIN today. The nurse said she could schedule me for two different things tomorrow..on the spur of the moment I can't just do 2 appointments then go back to therapy thursday. I told her I didn't have that kind of energy. She gave me some lip about my energy. I told her No,I can do one not 2. She was huffy about it, didn't understand what was so hard about "just laying there" for an MRI then getting up to go to see yet another doc in the same building followed by another appointment on Thursday. I knew she wasn't listening to me so I just stopped trying to explain and simply told her No. Sometimes when people don't get it it's a waste of time to try again and again to explain. We just simply have to stand our ground and do what we need to do.

until again,