Sunday, June 17, 2007

Victory .... in an old, old body

It is 10 pm on Sunday here and I'll be going to bed soon. So I feel comfortable posting this now. I made it through an entire weekend SI-free. Can't remember the last time I've done that. It's a victory and a huge step. Saturday was easy. I didn't even think of SI until late at night and never felt the urge. Today was harder, but I made it. YIPPEE !!!!!!!

Last night a friend and I went to see a movie and had dinner together. Girls' Night Out. It was so nice to eat an entire meal in peace. The restaurant even seated us in such a fashion that there were no children in earshot. After dinner, my friend wanted to go for a drive. Like me, she struggles with not wanting to believe her past. To think of it all as a dream, while at the same time needing to know her memories are trustworthy. So she had decided to drive by the place where her story happened. I would not let her go alone. So we drove. Only seven or so miles away by car, but a lifetime of hurts are encompassed in that distance. The house was still there, although she says the carport is different. Two cars in the drive, which suggests he (the evil one) is still alive. And the abandoned old house where her story was written is still there. She had hoped it had fallen down. Even joked about throwing out a match. We turned around and drove back. Probably a twenty minute journey in all. Yet I know that twenty minutes will be with her for awhile yet.

Had a good Father's Day this morning. Woke up early and picked up donuts for my husband - his favorite. Sunday school was good. Church was okay until the sermon. Of course, the preacher talked about fathers. I was prepared for that. Popped a xanax as soon as that word came out. Then he started talking about reconciling with fathers and seeking them out. Seeking forgiveness and restoring relationships. I left the sanctuary and ran for the bathroom. Faintness won out over nausea but the xanax kicked in before I passed out completely. One good thing I've noticed about all these medications is that, while it doesn't stop the panic completely, it does significantly decrease the recovery time. In fifteen minutes I was composed enough to walk downstairs and help out in the nursery. Hubby went out and I chose napping over SI. Good choice. Later my daughter came in and we snuggled and napped together. That was sure nice.

This evening we had our huge week-end celebration for Vacation Bible school at a nearby pool. I learned that I'm far too old for many things. Going off the second high dive (still pretty high) and hurting my ear drum cured me of any notion of going off the super high one. I should have stopped there. Instead I jumped off the rocky area with all the kids. Maybe I should have paid more attention in physics class --- older (and heavier) bodies sink faster and harder. A 5'7" body jumping off a rock into a pool of water she assumes (and yes, it did make an A** out of me) to be ten feet deep, but which is really six feet deep......well, let's just say I felt the shock in my right heel all the way up every vertebrae of my spine and into my neck. I came up gasping and, after looking around to make sure no one noticed my idiotic move, crawled onto the edge of the pool and sat there. In two minutes I felt the same as I had felt the morning after my last car wreck. Which doesn't bode well for tomorrow morning..... In any event, husband played the "I told you so card" which didn't sit well. But he rubbed my back later so I'll forgive him! Urgent care was closed and I refuse to do the ER thing. So I will hang out until tomorrow and see what agony awaits. I'm pretty sure it's just a bad bruise on my heel. Chalk another one up for me. At this rate, I could write a book about all the stupid ways I've been hurt. I wonder if AFLAC has a limit on "idiot claims" before they drop me......

Mon morn update -ouch, groan. I'm way too old for this. I did make an appt with my chiropractor. At least someone will benefit from my stupidity....


Beauty said...

I know how hard it must have been for your friend to revisit the scene of the crime. Several years ago I went on a similar journey. Much to my horror, the old House of Incest was in a sorry, dilapidated state. I could hardly believe it was the same home in which I was raised.

Lately, while staying with my sis, I've been surrounded by souvenirs from my childhood. It's incredibly hard. I suppose I derive some satisfaction from being able to face such triggers without putting a gun to my head.

I'm glad you decided against the SI. I wish that every one of us survivors could be changed in the twinkling of an eye. Some day, hmm?

Marj aka Thriver said...

Kudos on no SI! I know it can be a very difficult urge to ignore sometimes. I'm also glad to see, from your previous post, that you're getting to enjoy some simple pleasures. You're worth it and you deserve it!