It has been a huge struggle all weekend not to SI. I was doing fairly well. Today was Sunday which means Church. Sometimes that is a tough time for me -- all that talk of emotions and stuff. It was okay today - a bit crowded but I had an end seat so I was okay. I got home and was able to take a nap for 2 hours. That helped bring my panic/anxiety down to a manageable level. When I woke up, I talked Hubby into getting out of the house. I knew it was best for me to get out for awhile.
We decided to go to the mall so I could get a new bathing suit. I've put on quite a bit of weight and none of my clothes or bathing suits fit. And...well....I wanted one with a skirt bottom that will cover my legs up a bit better. So we all headed to the mall.
We are trying to teach my Daughter not to interrupt and to wait her turn before talking. She's doing pretty good for her age. Says "excuse me" and can wait a short time before talking. But not real long. She's still young. Hubby gets into these long winded stories and then gets mad when Daughter can't wait to speak. So he talks over her. And she talks louder. It's like having two toddlers. I try to stay out of that battle. But they just get louder and louder - both vying for my attention and I just need them to go away for awhile.
I told Hubby that I needed him to go to watch our daughter while I tried on suits. Lately, Daughter has taken to running out in the midst of my trying on clothes or using a public bathroom. Not exactly in a position where I can easily run out after her. Instead of watching her, Hubby lets her run back and forth into the dressing room. Where she bangs on the door, walks in and out, peers in the vented doorway. Ugh. A bit triggering when I'm standing there half-dressed. But I get over it. It's my daughter and I try to let it go for her. But why can't he take charge?
So I find a suit that works. And we go to leave. Hubby starts saying how good the suit looks and it shows a lot of cleavage - first thing he noted. How I "looked so hot and everyone will be staring." I ask him to stop. He says "what? Am I not supposed to notice?" I tell him just to quit talking about it. He says, "Well maybe you should get another suit if you don't want people looking." We had this whole conversation about how I didn't appreciate his comments at all - but especially in front of my Daughter and especially not in public. He gets all huffy because "can't he make a comment about his own wife?"
On the way home he is trying to ask all sorts of questions and push me to talk. He had his counseling session this past week and he gets pushy for me to open up afterwards. I try to be a bit more open but then he tries to "fix me" and tell me why things shouldn't trigger me. Tonight, Cold Case was on and it was a child murder case. He asked if I needed to shut it off and I said, No, I was okay. So then he tries to argue about how come that doesn't trigger me but other things do.
I've repeatedly told him things that trigger me - chomping food, chomping gum, wiggling toes. He won't stop. He says it is automatic. But when I look/glare at him, he gets all defensive. "What, why are you glaring?" And then he says, "well sorry. I can't help it." If I ask him to please cover his feet, he gets huffy. Then wants to dissect why I am feeling the way I am.
What happens when his rights and mine collide? When I need more? When I need an extra nap but he hasn't had one. When I need him to put Daughter to bed but he did it last night? When I need him to put a blanket over his big, stupid feet and he won't stop moving them? UGH.